Story time!! I’ve got a good one for you today. Grab a comfy seat and sit back, relax, and prepare to laugh at my expense…
It was the fall of 2006. There we were, a freshly minted newlywed couple, ready to celebrate our brand new marriage with a weeklong trip to Hawaii. We were giddy as we picked up our rental Jeep and drove to the resort that my aunt and uncle had gifted us for our wedding.
We got there and gave ourselves a tour of our suite, which was beautiful. Everything was tropical and greenery, with white linens blowing in the breeze. We settled in and started making plans for our stay; a snorkeling trip, a scuba diving expedition, and swimming with dolphins were just a few adventures we had planned.
One night as we got back to our hotel, tipsy on Mai Tais and each other, I gave him the come-hither eyes as I made my way to the bed. It was covered in a beautiful white duvet, with a black swirled pattern that snaked its way across the top of it. I laid across it, positioning myself just so so that when he walked in he would have no choice but to succumb to my sexiness.
He told me he would be right back, he was just going to grab something. I don’t remember what it was, a candle? Dessert? My memory escapes me, but it wasn’t important. I quickly threw on some lingerie I had gotten as a shower present and leapt back onto the bed. As I perfected my arched-back-crossed-legs-pouty-mouth pose, I waited for him to come back. He was going to want me. He was going to want me bad, I just knew it.
When he walked back in, instead of the look of lust and adoration I was expecting there was a sort of grimace; a look of half shock and half confusion crossed his face as he studied me and said, “Are you on your period? You’re bleeding.”
It couldn’t be. I had meticulously planned my birth control so that there was no chance of there being any signs of Shark Week during our honeymoon. What can I say? I’m a planner.
I looked around to see what he could possibly be talking about…
And then I saw it. Blood all over the beautiful duvet that was WHITE. Well, used to be white.
“Oh God!!! Where is it coming from?! How are we going to get that out?!?!”
I jumped up frantically and just then the scattering clink of a razor hitting the floor jarred us. We looked at each other and back down.
“Well, how the hell did that get th…”
“It’s your leg,” he said, pointing.
Sure enough, my knee and thigh had blood smeared everywhere. In all my sexy writhing glory I had gotten it everywhere. You little bastard, I thought as I gave the razor the death stare. I ran into the bathroom to assess the damage.
How the hell did that happen? And how did I not know? It doesn’t even hurt!!
I cleaned up the blood and there were two small cuts on my leg, barely anything. How in the hell does such a small cut create enough damn blood to make the bed look like a murder scene?!?!
I walked back into the bedroom to see Scott furiously scrubbing the duvet. We were pretty poor at the time, and the thought of having to pay for a new one, or even trying to explain what happened was making my stomach churn.
About fifteen stressful, please-lord-jesus-let-it-be-clean minutes later, the blood was gone.
But so was the mood. Blood is pretty much the opposite of sexy. But that’s what I get for trying too hard. Karma disguised itself as a pretty pink razor of doom. Just to knock me down a few notches.
We collapsed into bed, our buzzes worn off and then laughed at how I could miss seeing a bright pink razor on the bedspread. It must have fallen out of my bag when I had moved all my other toiletries from my suitcase. Of all things, really?! It couldn’t have been a makeup brush, or something else not associated with blades of destruction.
Damn you, razor.
Don’t feel too bad for me, there was plenty of sex to be had on the rest of our honeymoon. Of course we had a great time, it was Hawaii! I mean, look at these two young crazy kids…
There was also more blood, when we were out walking and my toe jammed into a raised sprinkler head I didn’t see. I’m a bit of a klutz apparently.
But all was well and we still managed to have a glorious time. Just learn from me and watch where you unpack your stuff – you never know what items may come back and attack you.
Got any funny honeymoon stories? Comment below!
The Flight Wife