Life and Love and Happiness Archives

Pilot Kid Interviews – What’s It Like?

August 15, 2016 by Flight Wife 8 Comments

For all of you pilot wife mamas out there, you’re doing a great job. Seriously. I know we worry about whether our kids are affected by Dad being gone a lot, we wonder if we’re doing this whole thing right, or if they will hate us all later in life. The good news – our kids are doing just fine. Great, in fact. Because you are doing an awesome job!

I interviewed a whole bunch of pilot kids to get their perspective on what it’s like to have a dad who flies for a living. See their hilarious and heartwarming responses in the video below…

I hope you liked it as much as I did! All the kids were so great and honestly, some of the BEST behaved, well-mannered, and articulate kids I’ve ever met. Not to mention well traveled! Keep up the good work.

Xoxo,

Dating Challenge – The Second Date!

August 8, 2016 by Flight Wife Leave a Comment

Dating Challenge – Date #2!

For the second part of the Pilot Marriage Shake-Up: Dating Challenge, we went on a date that my husband, Scott, planned. He even managed to keep it a surprise! (Here’s how the first date went, in case you missed it.)

It started out by him driving me to the secret location. I was a mixture of nervous and excited – what if he picked something lame? Okay, I knew the chances of that happening were slim to none, but you never know.

We pulled up to a building and I saw the front sign – Shooter’s World! My jaw flew open and I looked at Scott. “Are we going shooting?! Like, gun shooting?!” “Yep,” he smiled. YESSSSS!!! I had always wanted to go to a shooting range, and neither of us had ever done it before. (Obviously, since that’s one of the rules of the challenge.)

We went inside, got our gear, and were helped by a super nice guy behind the counter who helped us choose which gun we wanted to use. There are SO many to choose from, I had no idea of the vast amount of different types of guns available.

Once we got into the shooting area, it was intimidating. There were all sorts of guns being fired, and I didn’t grow up being around guns so it was all new to me. The first shot I took, the shell flew into the front of my shirt! (Also good to know – shells are hot.)

After a few minutes getting over nerves, though, it was so much fun. What a rush! We took turns shooting at the target, and I’m not gonna lie, my husband looks pretty sexy while shooting.

After we went through all of our ammo, we turned our stuff back in, and headed to our next destination. He took me to a restaurant called the Salty Sow and all I could think of was bacon, so this place must be awesome.

I was not disappointed. The drinks were amazing, the food was fantastic, and we went through the second set of questions together. Maybe it was the adrenaline still pumping, or the martini I was drinking, or both, but I felt that familiar connection with my husband that reminded me of how I felt early in our relationship. I loved the effort he took in planning our date and making sure I had fun. And it was SO different than any of our other dates!

Like I mentioned before, there is science behind the Marriage Shake-Up Dating Challenge. Studies show that couples who try new things together have happier relationships, and are more satisfied.

“The more you invest in fun and friendship and being there for your partner, the happier the relationship will get over time,” says Howard Markman, a psychologist who co-directs the university’s Center for Marital and Family Studies. “The correlation between fun and marital happiness is high, and significant.” (Source.)

My thoughts exactly! We didn’t do the awkward stare at the restaurant this time, but waited until we were home in bed. We set the timer, and it seemed like the time went by much faster even though it was actually a minute longer. We talked more, and laughed, and one thing led to another… You can guess how it went from there. Let’s just say that I think my husband will be planning more adventures in the near future. I can’t wait!

Next up is the date we plan together – stay tuned for how it goes! If you’d like to join the Pilot Wife Dating Challenge Facebook group to stay updated and get more dating ideas, go here. We love sharing stories!

And to see the Dating Challenge rules and how it works, go here. Happy dating!

Xoxo,

The Flight Wife

Dating Challenge – The First Date!

July 5, 2016 by Flight Wife 1 Comment

Last week I put out the Pilot Marriage Shake-Up: Dating Challenge! for anyone who wanted to participate, and it got a great response! (So great, in fact, that we now have a Facebook group if you want to join us and share your own experience/get even more date ideas.)

A couple days after I published that post we went on our first date, planned by me. My husband kept trying to guess what we were doing, but no dice.

Here is me with my giddy face on, getting ready to drive him to the super-secret location…

So what did I have planned?? A visit to the Splatter Room at a cool little place called Pinspiration in Phoenix. This place is a dream; you walk in, pick a project you like, and then get to make it and take it home. They take care of the mess and the supplies, you just get to create. Awesome, right?

Anyway, the Splatter Room is pretty self-explanatory, you go in, hurl a bunch of paint at a canvas, and voila, you are now an artist. But the best part? They also throw in a cheese plate and champagne. There’s a bar, people. I was sold.

We headed inside and I could see the inquisitive look on my husband’s face, a mixture of hesitation (What the heck is this place) and resignation (sigh, of course she picked something Pinterest-related). My husband is not the excitable type. He could say he’s excited and still look like he does when he’s watching the news. Which is probably a good thing for a pilot, I don’t know.

But anyway, he took a look around and noticed the bar, and I heard the audible sucking in of air as he gasped a little and whispered, “Oh, they have IPAs here.” He may not be an excitable guy, but he is definitely a beer guy. Wife points!

Luckily there’s a bar!

Finally, I told him what we were doing and it looked like relief washed over him. I don’t know what he thought we would be doing, but apparently splattering paint seemed way better. Is that some excitement I sense??

We were given some zip-up painting onesies and booties and told to suit up. Then we were brought to a back room where there was literally paint covering every surface of every wall. This was gonna be good.

The lady who had been helping us turned off the lights, and all of a sudden there were black lights and a disco ball and the paint was glowing. Party time!

We started off a little shy, but in no time we were launching paint across the room onto our canvas. We started giggling, and then when one of my paint brush heads broke off mid-throw and smacked against the canvas leaving a giant splotch, we started laughing so hard we could barely breathe. Of all the things I know to be therapeutic, I had no idea that flinging paint would be one of them. It was awesome.

We randomly decided to each draw a heart right in the middle, and decided our masterpiece was finished.

While it dried, we were led back to the front to enjoy our drinks and cheese plate (delish!) and I decided to tell my husband what was next – dinner at a little place nearby we’d never tried. On the inside, I was hoping it was as good as the reviews said it was because I really wanted to keep this momentum going. Before we left, he told me that he had really enjoyed it and that I had “set the bar high for our next date.” Success!

We put the painting in the car and walked to the restaurant. As soon as we walked in I relaxed. This place was totally our type; laid-back with a swanky vibe, and we even got seated in the couch lounge! Fun!

We ordered our drinks and food decided to go over the 1^st date questions. They started off simple enough, and then got more interesting.

Now let me tell you, my husband and I have been together for 12 years, and married for almost 10. We’ve both heard the same stories over and over, (usually inducing eye rolls) and we know each other very well. But as we talked over these questions, I learned things about my husband that I didn’t know.

How was that even possible?! I think I’ve just forgotten to check in. I got lazy, and figured I already know him as much as I ever will, but that’s apparently not true. People change. I’ve changed in 12 years, so why wouldn’t he? It was eye-opening, to say the least.

We ended up talking hours, like we used to when we were first dating. Why has it been so long since we’ve talked like this? I already knew the answer to this, even as I asked it. Life, kids, work, stress. All of it gets in between us. But as we talked, I felt those things melt away, and I felt feelings for him that have been kind of dormant re-blossom. This is the guy I married, don’t you remember him?

This is what reconnecting looks like 🙂

Suddenly I remembered the staring-at-each-other part of the date, and reached for my phone to start the timer. We faced each other and settled in, and kind of nervously laughed for the first ten seconds or so. But then it turned into comfortable silence, and it just felt nice. A few seconds before the timer was going to go off, our server came by and our stare was broken. Dang it! We decided to try again later that night.

Once we got home and paid the babysitter, we headed to bed. We got into our PJs and after we were under the sheets, we tried the staring again. This time it was quiet, no distractions. It took us a few seconds to get comfortable again, but it wasn’t as awkward as I thought. It was like taking a moment to just be together.

The best part about the whole night had been just being together. For a few hours, we didn’t have to be Mom or Dad, we didn’t have responsibilities, and didn’t have any of the day-to-day worries that usually plague our relationship. We were just us again. And it was magical. This is how we fell in love, I thought, those familiar feelings filling me up again. Our only goal had been to have a good time and enjoy each other’s company. But we got more out of it. So, so much more.

I can’t wait to see what he has planned for next week! (Update: Here’s how the second date went.)

I urge you to try the dating challenge, we’re only one date in and the results were even better than I was expecting. To see the guidelines and join for yourself, see the original post here.

Happy dating, friends!

Xoxo,

The Flight Wife

35+ Ideas For Date Night With Your Pilot

July 1, 2016 by Flight Wife Leave a Comment

To go along with the Marriage Shake-Up dating series, here are more than 35 ideas for date night – use some of these or come up with your own to create some new memorable experiences! It’s not really as much about what you’re doing as it is about the experience you have together. Memories are the things that bring us closer and keep us bonded. Go make some memories!

*Quick Tip: Check out Groupon for things to do in your area that are also at a discount. Look under the “Things To Do” section to find classes, activities, and events you might not otherwise know about!

1. Head to an adult arcade.

Nothing gets your blood pumping like a little competition! Collect tickets and turn them in to get the cheesiest prizes you can find. Bonus points for booze involved!

2. Go to a concert.

Seeing your fave bands is a great way to spend some time together.

3. Go on a brewery or factory tour.

We had a blast when we visited the Coors brewery in Denver. It’s pretty awesome to see not only how beer is made, but how it’s packaged. Mesmerizing, I say. Not to mention the tasting part! Look for breweries, distilleries, or any type of factory in your area and schedule a tour. Informational and surprisingly fun!

4. Go Kart Racing

Again, being competitive can bring you together. And the couple that races together, stays together.

5. Do a restaurant tour.

Find a group of restaurants in your area (bonus points if you’ve never been) and go to one for drinks, another for apps, and another for dessert.

6. Travel your city like tourists.

Look up places that are fun to visit, and head out for a drive. We’ve both lived in our city for over 10 years and still haven’t done everything!

7. Check out a local sports game.

Because who doesn’t love being at a game? Even if you’re not a sports fan, there’s still a snack bar. And usually adult beverages. Win/win.

8. Take a cooking class.

Look on Groupon for deals or just do an online search for cooking classes in your area. I’m dying to learn to make sushi and haven’t done it yet. Definitely on the list!

9. Take a workout class.

Working up a sweat has a ton of benefits, and when you’re with your significant other you can challenge each other and have fun at the same time. Just don’t hurt yourselves, that’s a sure way to ruin your day.

10. Go horseback riding.

Again, this has been on my list for ages. I’ve been horseback riding, just not with my husband. Time to get on it!

11. Go roller skating/ice skating.

When is the last time you’ve been roller skating or ice skating? Go out and race each other or just for a fun time.

12. Do game night with a twist – loser has to do chores or sexual favors.

Uno, poker, Twister, or Battleship, for starters. Pick a game and pick what you’re playing for. Back rubs, cleaning, whatever you like!

13. Watch airplanes take off and land.

I used to love doing this with my husband when we both worked at the same airline. We could sit and watch planes all day. It’s been a while, but this is still high on my list.

14. Go to a paint night.

These are usually paired with wine or drinks, and are super fun! Compare your artwork and display it at home when you’re done.

15. Take a picnic to the park.

Pack up some favorite foods and head to your local park for a sweet little rendezvous.

16. Have a wine/beer/cheese/chocolate tasting.

Head to the grocery store (or specialty store) and pick up some different wines and beer, as well as different cheeses and chocolates. (As well as meats and crackers if you like.) Create your own pairings and see what you come up with. This one is fun and delicious.

17. Mini golf.

If you’re feeling nostalgic, head to the mini course and challenge each other to a round or two.

18. Visit a museum exhibit or art gallery.

There are usually all kinds of different museums and exhibits to check out, pick a random one and see what you find!

19. Go bowling.

Get your strike on and spend some time knocking over pins (and knocking back a few drinks) for a good time.

20. Take a gun course.

If you’ve always wanted to learn to shoot or if you’re a pro already, find a gun range and have a blast! (Pun intended.)

21. Rent a boat.

Whether it’s a sailboat, motorboat, or paddle boat, spending time on the water is always a good time.

22. See a comedy or improv show.

Comedy is a great way to spend an evening, and who doesn’t love to laugh?

23. Go to the (live) theater.

See a ballet, opera, or local play.

24. Have a fondue night.

Look up recipes and use different veggies, meats, and cheese. Don’t forget to do chocolate for dessert!

25. Have a day date.

Make or go out to brunch and take in a matinee.

26. Go for drinks at a bar you’ve never been to.

Or bar hop, if you’re up for it.

27. Wine tasting/tour.

Find a local winery (or a few) and do a tour. Wine tastings are fun and tasty!

28. Pottery class.

Making something together is always fun, and being able to keep your creations is even better.

29. Go hiking or biking.

Get physical and head out into nature to enjoy each other’s company in the great outdoors.

30. Visit a botanical garden.

See the beauty of all kinds of different plants and vegetation from your area and beyond.

31. Go paint balling.

Gear up and head out to get down and dirty.

32. Watch a roller derby match.

Watch different teams duke it out on skates and bet on your favorite.

33. Hit up a casino.

Play the tables or the slots, and see who can win the most cash!

34. Go on a hot air balloon ride.

See your area from a completely different view!

35. Have a staycation overnight at a resort.

Hotel room + no kids = fun every time.

36. Go to a theme park or fair.

Cotton candy, rides, and games? Yes, please.

37. Check out your town’s festivals.

Food trucks, beer & bacon, art, and hot air balloon festivals are a few types we’ve been to, and they’re always so fun!

The most important thing is to have fun, keep it fresh, and enjoy each other’s company. Happy dating!

Xoxo,

The Flight Wife

Why Are We Fighting? 7 Conflicts That Pilot Couples Face (And How To Work Through Them!)

June 1, 2016 by Flight Wife 10 Comments

Marriage is hard. All couples face their ups and downs, and fighting is a normal part of relationships. When you add an aviation career into the mix, it gets even more complicated. (Shocker!) Having a partner who travels for a career puts added stress on situations that may already be difficult.

Issues like chores, bills, and how to raise the kids are exacerbated when your spouse is sometimes not even available to fight with. (Dammit, get back here so we can argue!) And while the urge to choke your pilot through the phone or actually throwing it at the wall may make you feel better in the moment, it usually doesn’t solve anything. I don’t know about you, but I sure get sick of having the same fights over and over.

Read on to discover some of the biggest issues aviation couples face and how not to let them get the best of your relationship.

Division of Labor

This is a big one. What pilot wife hasn’t done the 15 minute cleanup scramble before her husband gets home? We all want to give the illusion that we have it all together when we’re managing the household by ourselves, but the truth is, it’s not easy. Especially with crazy busy schedules and kiddos in the mix. Hurry up, Dad is coming home, hide your crap!

I know you’ve had that fight. The “What have you even been doing while I’m gone, this place is a disaster!” “Well it would be clean if I actually had time to do anything besides chase kids around all day and fix every damn thing that breaks as soon as you walk out the door!” (I may or may not have had this argument once… or 452376 times.)

So what to do? You have a couple options:

Hire a housekeeper. I’ve heard more than once that this has saved marriages.
Divide up the chores to where you both agree that it’s manageable.

With a spouse who travels, toilets can’t always wait a week or longer to be cleaned. This is why the bulk of chores gets left with the one who is home the most; the household still needs to be run whether both partners are home or not.

If division of labor is something that you argue about, come together (obviously not during a fight) and try to figure out a plan you both agree to. Maybe it’s putting things on a chart to stay accountable, or maybe it’s a verbal agreement. Find what works for you and stick with it – it is SO worth it to stop having the same arguments over and over. And nobody wants to waste time fighting when your time together is limited enough already.

The key is to not get resentful or let things build up if they bother you – if you need help, ask for it! If you want your husband to help more in a certain area, let him know. Obviously you both need to be on the same page to find a resolution. Make it priority and it will happen!

Money

This is another big one, obviously. A large percentage of divorces are caused by differences of opinion about spending and saving.

Maybe he thinks you spend too much while he’s gone, and maybe you think he should spend less on overnights. Whatever it is that comes up in your arguments, try to look past the argument itself and dig deeper to find out what’s really going on. Is he scared you won’t have enough saved for retirement? Are you feeling overwhelmed at home and that you deserve to have some spending money? Talk about it with each other to figure out what you’re both feeling. The couple who budgets together, stays together.

Being on the same page is vital when it comes to budgeting and spending. If that’s not working, or you can’t come to an agreement no matter what it seems like you try, going to counseling together can be worth a shot. Hey, it’s better than letting money come between you, right?

Kids

Ah, kids. Nothing brings us together and also tears us apart like the little people we’ve created together. I don’t think there is a pilot wife out there who, when making the joint decision to have children, imagined herself alone for most of the time with a new baby, handling all the ~~crap~~ joys of motherhood for long periods of time alone. It’s hard, probably much harder than any of us imagined or expected.

Differences in opinion seem to come to a head when it comes to raising kids together. And when you’re the one shouldering the majority of kid duty, it can seem like an attack on your parenting skills when your husband comes home and undoes all the hard work you just put in. How do you NOT know that we aren’t doing middle-of-the-night feedings anymore?!

Again, setting expectations and being clear with each other on how you would like to handle certain parts of child-raising is key. Compromise is so important; it might be really important to you that your baby stays on a sleep schedule, and it might be really important to him that your baby gets spontaneous play time. If it’s not a big deal, let the little things go. Maybe it’s not exactly how you would do things every time, but you’re parenting together.

Try to remember that your husband isn’t always going to be in-the-know. He’s going to miss milestones and other little moments that just can’t be helped due to his schedule. For me, writing things down to tell him later is a huge help. Also, keeping a giant calendar in plain sight where he can see what’s scheduled for the kids is also a great help. Since part of the problem is lack of communicating with each other, I eliminate some of the need to tell him things when he can see it for himself.

Trust

Another vital aspect to a solid relationship is trust. This issue is brought up over and over again in pilot wife online groups. How can you trust your pilot? Well, you either do or you don’t. You can’t kind of or mostly trust someone. And once that trust has been violated, it’s very hard to earn back.

Talking to your husband about your expectations on what is and is not acceptable to you both (on overnights and otherwise) is a conversation that needs to happen. There’s nothing wrong with setting clear boundaries that you both respect.

What’s right for you may not be right for another couple; that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you both have a very clear understanding of what those boundaries are and what the consequences of violating those boundaries are.

Are you comfortable with him going out to eat with his crew? Or going out with flight attendants if the other pilot(s) don’t want to join? Are you ok with him being friends with crew members on Facebook? Are you comfortable with him swapping numbers with people he flies with? There is no right or wrong answer – you need to talk about what is right for you.

The point is not to try and control what he does while he’s gone, just like he shouldn’t try to control what you do at home – it’s about talking about your boundaries and what you’re comfortable with. Talk about the why behind it as well. If things start getting too heated to have a discussion, wait until you’ve both calmed down to discuss it again. You should both be able to respect what the other has to say.

If that doesn’t work, speaking with a counselor (a non-biased third party) might be a good idea.

Lack of Connection

It’s inevitable that at some point we are going to feel a disconnect with each other. Whether we like it or not, leaving is a part of this life. There are many ways to stay connected during a trip (check out my post on how to keep the sizzle alive), but it’s also easy to let things slide, especially when you’re trying to juggle a million things at once. Not that it’s always a choice; many times it’s the fact that you’re dealing with different time zones and conflicting schedules. Sometimes you just miss each other, that’s how it is. So what’s the solution? Scheduling and priority.

If it’s important to you, you’ll make time for it. So schedule some alone time! Making date night a priority in our marriage is one of the best things we’ve done. We may only get to it once a month, but it’s well worth the effort of finding a sitter and making that time for each other. It makes you feel important to your spouse, and it’s so nice to be able to talk to each other without interruptions. I find that the more distracted we are with outside things, the further apart we feel. Talking, texting, and spending quality time together really put the focus back on us as a couple. Which brings us to our next topic…

Sex

Sex? What is this sex you speak of? It’s one of those things that naturally waxes and wanes during marriage, but especially in an aviation one. Trying to find time for lovemaking when your spouse is gone half the time may seem impossible, and you can end up feeling like it’s not worth the effort. You’re tired, he’s tired, everyone is tired, and sex gets put on the backburner. Hey, it happens to the best of us.

Sex is an important part of relationships. It brings us closer, decreases stress, and its even good for us physically. We all know this, and yet somehow, days and even weeks can pass between in-the-sack sessions. Like everything else I talk about, it takes work and prioritizing. Obviously, sex isn’t going to be high on the list when you have a newborn and you’re both trying to ~~get sleep~~ survive. But that is yet another phase that will eventually pass, and it will be up to you to make sure that your love life doesn’t go with it.

The stars really don’t have to align in order for sex to happen. (Although it sure seems like it sometimes.) There is no shame in penciling sex into your busy schedule. And that doesn’t have to mean literally writing “sex” onto the calendar if that seems weird. It does mean you could write “date night,” or a smiley face, or some other code word you both know about. Anticipation can be a powerful aphrodisiac. The point is, make sex fun again! When it’s a chore it’s not fun anymore, it’s just another task to cross off the list. Remember when you had sex because you liked it and wanted to? What (for you) would make you feel like that again?

Expectations

Maybe this whole pilot wife thing isn’t what you expected. Maybe you feel cheated, like it’s not what you signed up for. I feel for you, I really do. The reality of aviation life can be tough pill to swallow; it’s not exactly every woman’s dream to be left for days at a time to handle things alone. But it is our reality, and if you want it to work then the best way to manage – the key to survival – is to face that reality head on and kick its ass.

You have to manage those expectations like the champ that you are. You’ve made it this far, right? I promise you there’s nothing you can’t handle, nothing you can’t survive. (See my post about 10 reasons pilot wives rule here.) You just have to be willing to dig deep, because this is not a role for the faint of heart. So when the going gets tough, as it inevitably will (stuff breaks, kids get sick, you get sick, flights cancel, plans cancel, all hell breaks loose) know that you aren’t alone. There are literally thousands of us going through the same thing, and we are here for you. You can do it, you are cut out for this, and it will be okay.

Sometimes you just need to take a deep breath, and let shit go.

Xoxo,

The Flight Wife

They Care More Than You Think; A Surprising Look Into How Pilots Really Feel About Leaving Home

April 20, 2016 by Flight Wife 11 Comments

The results are in! Last week I asked you to have your husbands submit their answers to a short survey – and the responses may surprise you. Over 175 pilots submitted the survey, which was way more that I thought I would get! (I even got to hear from a female pilot who is part of a pilot couple!)

One thing I learned from the answers? A little understanding and compassion goes a long way, for all of us. Aviation is a hard lifestyle, and it’s hard on all of us. It’s not a competition to see who’s getting less sleep, or who is more stressed, or busy, or whatever. We are all sleep deprived, we are all stressed, and we are all busy. This really opened my eyes and led to a great conversation with my husband, with both of us feeling more supported afterwards. He knows I work hard, and I know he works hard. And we both know that we need to show each other appreciation, maybe even more than a “normal” couple would.

Read the answers to see what you think! And who knows? Maybe it’ll start a conversation with you both as well.

(Warning: The results are a little long, so head down to the handy infographic below if you want to skip ahead to the good stuff.) Alright, here we go!

1.) How do you feel about your career?

Love it, but don’t love being gone all the time: 62%

Love it, wouldn’t change it: 27%

Don’t love it, but it’s my job: 8%

Don’t love it, wish I could do something else: 1%

Other: 2%

“Other” responses included:

“Love what I do, hate who I do it for.”

“Enjoy it sometimes, but it’s often stressful and exhausting.”

2.) Do you feel like your wife supports you and your career?

Yes, and it’s great to have that support: 92%

No, but I wish she did: 3%

Other: 5%

“Other” responses included:

“She supports the job but doesn’t like the unpredictable schedule.”

“Yes, but she resents it.”

“Now, yes, but there have been some challenges.”

3.) What do you miss the most while you’re on a trip?

My wife and kids: 82%

Being able to relax at home: 10%

Other: 4%

4.) Favorite thing about coming home? (Since this was an open-ended question, the responses all varied. I’ll include as many as I can so you can get an idea of what was said.)

Seeing/Being with my wife and kids: 34%

Sleeping in my own bed: 14%

Seeing my wife: 6%

Kids rushing to see me at the door: 5%

Sex: 4.5%

Hugs from all: 4%

Other: 32.5%

“Other” responses included:

“Not working/Not worrying about work.”

“Being a part of my family’s lives again.”

“Relaxing.”

“Kissing my wife.”

“Hearing my little girl say, ‘Daddy!'”

“Seeing my family’s faces light up.”

5.) Do you feel appreciated for what you do?

Yes: 82%

No: 18%

6.) What would make you feel more appreciated?

My wife showing me her appreciation: 38%

My wife telling me that she appreciates me/what I do: 27%

I feel appreciated enough already: 17.5%

Better pay: 3%

My company appreciating me more: 2%

Both my wife telling me and showing me: 1.5%

More sex/blowjobs: 1.5% (hahahaha, yes they actually wrote, “more blowjobs.”)

Other: 9.5%

“Other” responses included:

“Company making me feel valued.”

“She appreciates me, but she still struggles with my job.”

“More snuggles.”

“Physical contact.”

“It’s really just a company thing. My wife lets me know how she feels.”

“Saying she misses me.”

7.) Do you appreciate what your wife does while you’re gone?

I should probably be better at expressing it: 56%

I do, I tell her all the time: 36%

I don’t say it, but I think she knows: 8%

And one responded: “It’s important to show her your appreciation, not just tell her. Words are too easy.” Well said, I agree! (And yes, it goes both ways.)

8.) Do you feel that your wife understands your job?

She does, but it’s hard on her: 47%

She does, and she handles it awesomely!: 46%

She doesn’t, but I wish she would try to: 2%

She doesn’t get it at all and has no interest: 2%

Other: 3%

“Other” responses included:

“She tries to when she wants to. She gets aspects of it.”

“My husband understands to a degree, because he is a pilot, too. However, I don’t think he notices all of the extras that I have to do to prepare for a trip.”

“I feel she understands parts of it. When she doesn’t understand, she at least tries.”

9.) In what ways could she be better at understanding?

Believe me when I say it’s not all fun and vacation: 46%

Come on a trip with me: 20%

She already understands it well: 16%

Ask me more about it/show more of an interest: 11%

Other: 7%

“Other” responses included:

“She has understood my job at every level. From flying banners to flying cargo and now as a captain at a major airline.”

“Slowing down the schedule when I’m home.”

“Set less expectations on when I’ll be home as things change in this business very quickly and are often out of my control.”

“Understanding the computer systems we have for scheduling and such.”

“No, she’s good. I don’t want her traveling down this rabbit hole. One [of us] needs to stay sane.” (Hahaha!)

10.) If you could tell your wife anything you wanted so that she could understand you or your job better, what would you say? (Or anything you’d like her to know.)

Okay, so before we get to these answers I need to tell you that there were so many that I couldn’t possibly write them all here, but I did my best to pick the ones that really stood out and represented the entirety of responses best. I broke them into 4 categories: Funny, About The Job, Help Me Out Here, and About Us. So here we go, these are the things they want us to know:

Funny:

“There are no stripper poles in the back of the plane.”

(Thank goodness for that clarification!)

“Clean my house, woman!”

(To be fair, it had a winky face.)

“Would you still love me if I quit and played piano in a whorehouse?”

(That one made me laugh out loud, and I freaking love how that’s the next best option to being a pilot.)

About The Job:

“It’s exhausting.”

“Although I’m surrounded by [people] all day at work, it’s actually a very lonely profession. Being on reserve, especially. I’m deadheaded around to fly one night here and there and am usually by myself. At the end of the day, all I want is to hear her voice on the phone, or a text telling me about her day (if I’m flying and she’s asleep) so I can feel a connection to home.”

“Its hard being away from home and family, work is not fun and games. When we get to the hotel after a long day, all you want to do is shower, relax, and sleep.”

“I love what I do and I’m good at it.”

“Imagine being poked and prodded every moment of your day from management and passengers.”

“I feel bad when my wife is at home and is on the edge with the kids and she wants me to come home, but I can’t always come home when she’d like. Flights get delayed, or I take on extra work to pay the bills.”

“I work like a dog!”

“Commuting takes longer than just how long the flight is between the two cities.”

“It’s not as glamorous as she thinks. Lonely nights grow tiring.”

“I don’t know what ‘breakfast,’ lunch,’ or ‘dinner’ are. I eat when I’m hungry, often in the airplane.”

“I love my job but I love being with [my family] more, and being away is not as fun as when we spend time together.”

“That it is very hard being away from everyone you love.”

“It’s not a job, it’s a lifestyle. It will all pay off one day.”

“All the great places I get to go to are not that great because I don’t [get to] share it with her.”

“It is nice to have time alone in a hotel, but it gets lonely, fast.”

“She has been around the industry for a while, she knows the job and she is very supportive and engaged in my life. She doesn’t need any advice from me about aviation.”

“I’ve got nothing on this one. Since she is a flight dispatcher, she has not only sat in on my jump seat but she also deals with other pilots and so she is fully aware of what I do.”

“She is extremely supportive and has been from day one. She knows that when I go somewhere neat or fun that sure it is enjoyable, but that I would rather have her and the kids with me.”

“I wish that she wouldn’t try to make me feel guilty about my job, or that I have to choose between her and my career.”

“I think my wife has as strong an understanding of what I endure as she can. She knows that commuting back and forth to work is a beating. She knows that training and checking events are particularly stressful for me. She knows my work schedules can be brutal. I just try not to complain when I’m at home – or at all – as it only serves to exacerbate how I feel.”

“It’s not always fun.”

“I love my job. It’s the culmination of a lifelong dream, but she comes first, not my job.”

“I truly wish she understood how lonely the road can be despite being surrounded by people.”

“I am filling this out as a flying wife… but I am also the stay-at-home when my husband is away. I would tell him to smile when he gets home. Be friendly, thankful, and notice what has been accomplished, rather than what hasn’t.”

“I do this not only because I love my job, I do it for us. We’re sacrificing a little bit of time away now so later on we won’t have to. I tell her this and she understands. Overall I don’t feel unappreciated. And I think she understands the nature of the job well.”

“Try to understand that it’s a tough job and I am doing it honestly.”

“Traveling fatigue is the single largest obstacle in our marriage. It leaves the pilot completely exhausted and unmotivated once arriving in our ‘home domicile’.”

“It’s harder being away from your family than you think it is.”

“I wish I could take her everywhere I fly to. She would love it.”

“Believe it or not, I do work my butt off at work.”

“A pilot’s professional life and home life are very different. While at work it’s hard to think about home, and while home, I don’t even want to think about work. While it may seem that every pilot is disenfranchised [about] what is going on at home, they are really just consumed and focused on working as safely as possible.”

“See the job as being one of opportunities, and not always obstacles.”

“Living out of a suitcase and [in] hotels is not a glamorous life.”

“I hate the thought of being in a crash pad ten times more than you hate it.”

“I like my job, but I don’t like being gone even more. It’s a lot of lonely nights in hotels without you.”

“That I do not sleep as much while gone as she thinks I do.”

“It’s not vacation. While it’s nice to go to some amazing places, I’d rather do it with her.”

“This is an extremely stressful career that demands a lot of me. Leaving home is the worst part of the job and every night away lasts forever. I don’t treat it lightly.”

“Life will be easier when I’m more senior.”

“Trying to build a work schedule is always a balance between obligations at home, and trying to be most efficient, i.e., most money for my time away. This is a ratio I’m always trying to improve, thus the constant swapping and moving my schedule around.”

“I would like her to know how stressful it really is sometimes. That after or during a hard day at work I don’t want to hear about troubles at home. I do want to hear about it after I have recovered.”

“I would like her to be able to join me on trips. The biggest issue is that I get to experience fun destinations while she works and raises kids from home. I want to share the experience with her so she can see it’s not all fun and games, even though we do get to have some fun at work.”

“It’s not as relaxing as it sounds on the road. And being on reserve, though you might not fly as often, comes with its own challenges and stress.”

“I love flying with all the ups and downs but it does have stressful times that I need to decompress from when I get home.”

“Being an airline pilot was all I ever wanted to be. Just because I sometimes look forward to leaving home does not mean I do not love my family or home life.”

“How tired I am.”

“My career is part of what defines me as a person. I really enjoy my career, but I do what I do not only for my own pleasure, but to try and build a better life for my family as well. I wish that was more understood and respected by my wife.”

“She does a great job at home while I’m gone and when I’m home, I admire everything she does and only wish she could ‘relax’ and enjoy her work time like ‘I get to’ sometimes. (Yes, Florida, the islands, and Aspen are nice, but then there is TEB [Teterboro, NJ] for a single night, Podunk ND, and small nothing-to-do towns somewhere…”

“The continuous body clock changes are hard and it’s even harder when you expect me to function the day after I get home.”

“How hard it is to be places without her.”

“I wouldn’t be happy doing anything else as a job. Desk jobs are awful!”

Help Me Out Here:

“Just give me one full day at home once I return from a trip to figure out which time zone I am in before the long honey-do list is given to me!”

“Meet me at the door!”

“We have no kids. It’s hard to come home and have little interest shown in me. She does work, and I do understand she’s tired. But when one is only home 2 or 3 days a week, and see their wife only a couple hours a day before she goes to sleep, it’s very hard to be close or feel like they are their other half. It’s more like having a roommate and you start to grow apart.”

“Actually initiate a conversation about my trip. Ask, ‘How was the hotel? Who was your crew?’ Show some interest about… anything.”

“Please ask for help when you want & need it.”

About Us:

“My life’s pretty great and so is the wife. :)”

“I may not always act like it or say it enough, but you do a wonderful job with our kids and keeping up on the day-to-day activities. Even when I am home, you never seem to stop and I need to work on telling you more often how grateful I am to have a wife like you and such an incredible mother to our two children. I know sometimes in your eyes it seems like I am on a two week vacation every time I take off for work, but my real vacation starts when I am pulling in the driveway and getting to spend my time with you and our kids until I have to go back to work again.”

“I love you so much and I’m lucky to have you!”

“I would enjoy my job so much more if I could share it with you, family.”

“Just know that I can’t wait to spend more time with her now that I’m flying less.”

“That she’s awesome and the support she gives is what makes it all possible!”

“Thank you! Because of you I have a wonderful career.”

“How much I appreciate all she does when I am away.”

“Love my job, but love my family more. If I had to choose, it would be family.”

“That I miss going out fishing on our boat with her.”

“I’m glad you’re not as stressed as you used to be.”

“Thanks for being supportive and working so hard for the family while I am away on a trip. I know it is difficult to try and schedule life sometimes but you always make it work. Thanks for being a great wife and mother with my sometimes chaotic career.”

“She’s great!”

“The current situation is only temporary. It will change, hang on with me and it will be worth all the sacrifices made so far.”

“At 20k hours she understands my job. We have a wonderful relationship and miss each other when apart. She knows that I work hard and I know that she works hard at home running the home and raising our boys when I’m away. That’s why it works. We both work hard towards a common goal.”

“I appreciate you so much. I know it is not easy being at home alone with the kids for days on end. I want you to know that I love you, I value you, and I think you’re a great mom and wife.“

“I think of you more often than you think! Love you.”

“Knowing that she can hold down the fort while her husband is ‘off on his jollies’ is comforting, and I admire all the sacrifices she has made and continues to make as it does not go unnoticed. LOVE YOU BABY!”

“I love you even though I don’t say it often enough.”

“Don’t change a thing. She is perfect.”

“Thank you for being such an amazing mom to our kids when I’m gone working. I love you!

“Just be glad I didn’t choose to become a traveling gynecologist! But seriously, thanks for all you do! I wouldn’t be able to have this career AND a family without your help.”

“I would tell her that she is my rock and keeps me grounded. She reminds me that while I may have my dream job that there are more important things in life than aviation.”

“I love her and I really value what she does.”

“I know she’s unhappy but at my age, I can’t make a career change that would provide for the family.”

“She understands my job and the crap I put up with… Wouldn’t change a thing.”

“That there is nothing I enjoy more than when my wife is able to come stay the night with me when I end up at an airport that close to home during my duty week. It really helps break up my duty week, and I feel like I have a night at home just by her being with me. I am thankful that she is always excited to (and able to) join me.”

“We both think open communication in a relationship is one of the most important things you can develop, no matter what career you are in.”

“She’s the only one who understands me perfectly.”

“I would tell her how much I appreciate her allowing me to live my dream and taking care of the kids while I’m away.”

“She’s amazing, really.”

“I love you, sweetie. I don’t love work. Keep that in mind when I am an ass when we communicate while I’m on the road.”

“Thanks for always being by my side, through the hardest of times in an unforgiving industry.”

“Life is hard coming and going; feeling like a nomad where I live out of a suitcase. I try hard to transition back into the family routine, it is always a challenge and I will never be as good as you in so many things. You are the gel that keeps our family together. Airline spouses, partners of pilots, and cabin crew are the unsung heroes of aviation.”

“Love you.”

Sure, I may be away on a trip and you’re dealing with a screaming baby at home, but know that I am not doing this on purpose. It’s my job and I would and will help however I can when I’m away. Things like managing the house, the budget, the cars, all those little things. That’s all my job, and when I’m home, 50% of the childcare is as well. I do this job not only because I truly enjoy my work, but to support the family as best as I can as well. I love you!”

“That I miss her when I’m gone.”

“She really works harder than I do with her job and the kids and the house!”

“She is perfect. Wish she knew how much she means to me and how important her support is.”

“That I’m doing all I can to get her all the dreams that she has given up on to allow me to pursue my career.”

“Getting a good night’s sleep is great, but I love it when she calls me at 2 am on an overnight because she wants to talk.”

“No matter what, I love you.”

“Just how much I appreciate all the stuff she does at home when I’m gone.”

“You are awesome. I appreciate all that you do while I’m gone!”

“My wife understands my job and has always been the best support system I have. I wouldn’t be here without her.”

“Thanks for putting up with this roller coaster of an industry.”

“I tell my wife everything about my job and my trips. I’m probably in the minority here with that. I tell her everything there is about planes. She asks me questions and we can have conversations about my job. My wife helps me study for recurrent, she’s my positive in a sometimes negative situation. She loves to come on trips with me and she loves my passion for my career. She’s my biggest supporter and I am hers.”

“I will never put this job before our family.”

“I love you.”

“Dear, you do a great job supporting my career.”

“Come fly with me… baby!”

I don’t know about you, but I was blown away by some of these responses. These guys love us, ladies. They really do. Make sure you give your man an extra kiss when you see him next. Orrrrr, maybe even a BJ. Nothing like feeling appreciated!

Xoxo,

The Flight Wife

Livin’ The (Pilot Wife) Dream!

March 15, 2016 by Flight Wife 12 Comments

Here it is, friends!! The pilot wife version of “Livin’ The Dream”! If you haven’t seen the original pilot version, check it out, too! Hope you love it!

Xoxo,

The Flight Wife

6 Ways To Keep Kids Distracted While Dad Is Gone

March 9, 2016 by Flight Wife 3 Comments

We all have husbands with different schedules. Some are home weekends, most are home during the week, and some are gone for weeks at a time. But one thing we all have in common is taking care of the kids – alone – for extended periods.

And we all know that kids are different, and some handle Dad’s schedule better than others. Here are a few ways to keep your kids distracted from dwelling on the fact that he’s gone.

Fill Your Tank

I am putting this first because it is the most important thing you can do. You cannot effectively do any of the following if you don’t do this first. You must take care of yourself if you want to be fully present for your kids. I know it’s hard, I get it. We are constantly pulled in all different directions, wear a million different hats, and have all sorts of responsibilities. But your happiest self comes from your cared-for self, so do your family a favor and find what recharges you and what gives you joy, and make it a priority. Fill your tank!

Acknowledge Feelings

Lord knows I have my moments of missing my husband, so why should it be different for my kids? If my son starts asking when Daddy is coming home or gets a little clingier than normal, I know it’s because he’s missing him. So I acknowledge those feelings instead of brushing them off, because it’s important that he feels heard. “Are you sad that Dad is gone? I understand. It’s okay to be sad about it. Should we call him later before bed?” He usually nods, and we’re good to go. Then we move on to something else. (Unless he really needs to talk about something, but usually just getting that out in the open is a huge help.)

Do Things Without Dad

I refuse to schedule everything around my husband. I would go crazy if I did – his schedule is so unpredictable that it would be impossible anyway. I want to show my kids that we can do things without Dad and still have fun! There’s no reason to mope around the house when we could be having adventures instead. The best part is that it gives my son something exciting to tell Daddy when he talks to him next. Family time is always the most important, but strengthening the bond with our kids one-on-one is something not every mom has a chance to do, and I think it’s great.

Give Them Something To Look Forward To

It’s much easier to manage feeling sad when you know there’s an end in sight. I have a calendar that my son uses to count the days until Daddy gets home, but now he’ll randomly announce, “Daddy comes home in just 2 more days!” We usually plan to do at least one thing together when he gets home, so I’ll also add, “And then we get to go to the park/go on a bike ride/go out to lunch all together!” When kids have something to look forward to, they don’t dwell on the fact that Dad is gone, but that he’s coming back.

Show Them How It’s Done

How I handle my husband being gone absolutely rubs off on my kids. I know they are constantly watching what I do, and I want to be a good example. So when I miss my husband I talk about it, because I want my kids to know it’s good to talk about how we feel. I also try to show them that the world doesn’t end just because he’s gone. Not only does it go on, but we are allowed to enjoy ourselves as well.

Make Your Time Special

Like I said before, being able to bond with our kids one-on-one is something that not all parents get to do. Sure, I complain about being a part-time single parent, it’s crazy hard sometimes! But there’s a positive side to everything, in my opinion. I’m not saying that every day has to be a holiday, or that you have to kill yourself trying to be a Pinterest supermom. But little things can have the biggest effect.

Sometimes I’ll do silly things like make breakfast for dinner, or have a picnic with my kids in the living room, or take them out to eat on a weekday (a rare treat). You have no idea how much kids appreciate mommy time. They will remember it long afterwards, and when their little tanks are full, they feel good about themselves and the world around them.

How do you distract your kids while your husband is gone? Let me know in the comments below!

Xoxo,

The Flight Wife

The Girlfriend’s Guide To Pilot Wife Life

February 3, 2016 by Flight Wife 32 Comments

So, you want to be friends with a pilot’s wife? Welcome to the dark side, we have wine! But first, I have to let you in on a few “insider” secrets. We can be complicated, and sometimes being friends with us takes a little more work than “normal”. Many people don’t understand our lifestyle (I mean, it’s not that unconventional, we don’t have a special on TLC – yet, anyway) and all that comes with being friends with us. It can be confusing keeping up with it all, so here are a few things you should know so that you don’t think we’re crazy.

We are alone. A lot.

When our husbands are gone, it’s usually for days (sometimes weeks) at a time. This means we do everything – and I mean everything – while he’s gone. So if we don’t answer the phone or your texts right away, it usually means we are wrangling up kids or trying to concoct something edible or attempting to take a shower while we have 5 minutes by ourselves. Don’t take it personally.

We aren’t loaded.

I know, I know. We’re pretty sad about it too. But alas, it’s the truth. While a good number of pilots make a decent living, the majority are nowhere near rolling in it. In fact, some are even near poverty level, especially in the early stages of their careers. (Just in case you don’t believe me, read this.)

So if you see us using coupons, or mentioning how we’re on a budget, it’s the truth.

We can’t plan six months from now.

Our lives are dictated by our husband’s schedule, as hard as that is to admit. We can still plan around him (and usually do, to save our sanity) if we want to do things without him, but asking us if we can go with you as a couple to that concert in the spring or if we’ll be available for a weekend trip six months from now can get tricky.

It works like this: pilots have seniority based on their hire date. They bid for monthly schedules, and are awarded their schedule based on their position on the roster. So they can try to get certain days off, but it’s never guaranteed. When they actually find out their schedule is also a factor, as this can range from 1-3 weeks before the month starts.

In short, if we say we don’t know their schedule yet, we really don’t. We know it’s frustrating; it frustrates us, too!

Speaking of not knowing things, no, we really don’t know where he is.

I know, this seems super weird right? How does anyone not know where their husband is? Again, it’s complicated. They can sometimes fly up to 8 or more cities a day, or even multiple countries a day. It would take spreadsheets, charts, and a whole lot of ~~vodka~~ coffee to keep up with their schedules.

It’s kind of like asking you if you know exactly what your kid is doing every hour in school. You know your kid is at school, and you have an idea of when lunch is and you know when they’ll be home, right? Do you know where he is at 9:24 am? What class is he in at 11:48 am? How about at 1:37 pm? What do you mean you don’t know? Don’t you love your child?!

There’s no point in keeping track of every class when you know your child is at school. It’s the same for us. When he’s flying, he’s flying, and when he’s home, he’s home. If you grasp this concept, we’re going to be besties real quick.

Your stability means the world to us. And so does your flexibility.

Really, they do. Because in our chaotic world, nothing is better than knowing that there’s stability out there somewhere. Having the security that we can count on you if we have an emergency or accident is priceless to us, since it’s inevitable that things will happen when our husbands are gone. (Seriously, it’s called Pilot’s Law.) And being able to rely on you when we need someone is absolutely invaluable.

We also need friends who are flexible. Sometimes things happen that are out of our control (canceled flights, weather, other weird happenings that only seem to occur to piss us off) and it can mess up any plans we have last-minute. When you can roll with the punches like we have to, it’s a huge deal, and it doesn’t go unnoticed.

Please don’t stop inviting us – just understand if we can’t make it… again.

Just because we can’t make it this time doesn’t mean we can’t ever make it. We honestly try to make an effort, because we know that our friendship is a little more high-maintenance than others. Trust me; it bums us out when we can’t make it to events too.

Which is not to say that we won’t ever do things just because our husband isn’t home. On the contrary, a lot of times I make plans without my husband simply because I’m not going to stop living life just because he’s not there. There are plenty of times I’ve hired a sitter for girls’ night or a movie date with a friend. But sometimes, due to his job, it’s just impossible to do certain things. If I can come alone to a function, great, and if not, I’ll try to make it work.

Also, if you stand next to me at said BBQ and lovingly shove all the other people who joke that my husband must be make-believe, I’ll probably buy you something pretty.

There’s a plus side, I promise.

If you made it through all that and still want to be friends, you’re a keeper. Even though there’s a bunch I just listed that seems like a lot to put up with, pilot wives are a blast to be friends with. We’re not all the same, but we share a lot of similar characteristics. You’ll never find a more loyal friend, and every single pilot wife I know will jump at the chance to help others. (Mostly because if we find a good one, we don’t want to let go of your leg as you’re trying to leave. Wait… don’t go. Just stay five more minutes.)

We are adventurous and independent, we’re empathetic and we return favors like nobody’s business. (For a list of all the reasons why we’re pretty great, see this post.)

You volunteer to help out with our kids one night or bring over dinner? Friends for life. Expect that generosity to be returned to you tenfold. You know, right after we get through this 5-day trip.

And since having backup as a pilot’s wife is essential, if you’re a part of that team, thank you. We appreciate you sticking around more than you know.

Hey, you brought wine?!?! I can tell we’re going to be great friends already.

Xoxo,

The Flight Wife

Hey, It’s OK… Pilot Wife Edition

January 25, 2016 by Flight Wife 8 Comments

If you’ve picked up a copy of Glamour magazine in say, the last decade or so, you’ve likely read their column, “Hey, It’s OK”. I love it, because it’s about why it’s okay to be your quirky little self when it comes to certain things.

I decided to make a pilot wife edition, so we can all unite in the glorious quirks some of us have – together!

I now present to you, the Flight Wife’s version of Hey, It’s OK…

… if you don’t know where your hubby is right this minute. Or hell, even where he’s overnighting. This is, in fact, quite normal. What are you, a GPS?

… if you’re making PB&J for dinner. Again. Hey, it’s a staple for a reason.

… if you throw your laundry on the floor and don’t make the bed. Who’s gonna know?! We can’t all have access to hotel housekeeping, now can we?

… if your version of cleaning is frantically running around hiding things in the 10 minutes before your husband gets home.

… to NOT love everything and anything about aviation. Just because you married a pilot doesn’t mean you have to be obsessed with airplanes.

… if you give the baby a wipes bath. Babies aren’t exactly rolling around in dirt. Unless they are, in which case, that’s what wipes are for.

… to let the dog do the “sweeping” up of food on the floor.

… to be a liiiiiiittle bit jealous when the kids go crazy that Daddy is home again. What are we, chopped liver?!

… to complain about another week going by with him gone. It doesn’t get easier.

… if you don’t go to that get-together because you’re tired of answering the dreaded, “So where’s your husband?” question. Over. And over.

… to want to stay in with the kids and have a movie day. Getting all of you dressed and ready and fed and presentable is work.

… to roll your eyes and groan inwardly when you see your friend post about freaking out that her husband is gone for a whole day. Bitch, please.

… to also offer that same friend some encouragement, because hey, we get it.

… to get a sitter when your husband is gone to go on a date with yourself. Pedicure and a movie, anyone?

… to sometimes like the fact that your husband is gone. Guilty pleasures (Netflix marathons, the whole bed to yourself) have never been so delicious.

Well, that concludes the first list! What do you think? Would you add anything? Can’t wait to hear from you!

Xoxo,

The Flight Wife

How To Get Your Pilot To Appreciate You

January 18, 2016 by Flight Wife 4 Comments

It’s one of the complaints I hear the most (and make myself): Whyyyyyy doesn’t my husband see all the things I do around here?! Doesn’t he know what I DO for our family? I am so unappreciated!

Or, Why am I the only one who gets anything done around here? I am surrounded by laundry, and clutter, and whining, and homework, and playdates, and omg he better hurry up and come home, because I need a break!

Or, If I hear my husband complain one more time about how our house is a mess I’m going to scream. Doesn’t he know how busy I am? How would he like to be home for days on end, taking care of the house and the kids and everything that goes with it by himself? Why can’t he just say “Thank you” when he gets home instead of pointing out what I missed?

Sound familiar? You’re not alone.

Being a pilot’s wife is a tough job, and not everyone is cut out for it. There’s a TON of work involved, because that’s what happens when you’re the one in charge for days (or sometimes weeks) at a time. You are the one dealing with the day-to-day stuff, meals, kids, school, work (or staying at home, which is also work), appointments, groceries, laundry – the list is endless. So it can be really frustrating when what you do gets overlooked. And feeling unappreciated puts us on the fast track to feeling resentment.

Resentment builds, and you can feel it every time you start throwing dishes in the sink, thinking this is not what I signed up for, or yanking laundry from the dryer thinking, if anyone even tries to tell me my life must be so glamorous, so help me I will throat punch them . Or when you clean up yet another mess, and think is it wine time yet? Step away from the wine, friend. It’s 9 am.

What happens then is that we end up boiling over and complaining to our husbands when they get home that they have no idea what we go through while they’re gone. That they never notice the things we do, they take us for granted, and don’t appreciate anything. Then we get into a fight and waste the evening being mad at each other when we should have been enjoying his time off together.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we felt appreciated instead? I’m going to tell you how I got my husband to start appreciating me, and it starts by letting you in on a little secret, one that has helped me immensely:

Frustration and complaints are needs in disguise.

When we start to vent our frustrations, what we’re really doing is trying to express a need. The problem is, when we can’t name the need or give reason to our frustrations (we just know we’re super irritated about everything) it just comes out as anger or nagging. And then we become that angry wife that we really don’t want to be.

We all want to be recognized for what we do – which is a lot. I hear you, pilot wives and mamas. You’re tired. You’re worn out. And you just want some recognition and reward, which you absolutely deserve. Even if your husband hasn’t said it to you lately, I want to thank you for all that you do, because you are the foundation of a very special type of family. Your husband and children would not be able to thrive as well as they do without you. You are amazing! So thank you.

Now let’s work on getting that from your husband, mmmkay?

This next part may not be exactly what you want to hear, but I wouldn’t tell you about it unless I tried it myself and got results, so hear me out.

We’re looking for some empathy right? We want to feel acknowledged and appreciated. So how do you get someone to notice your efforts, to see what you’ve accomplished, and show some appreciation?

Step One: Be the hero.

So here’s the deal: If you want to get empathy, you have to give empathy. Ugh, I know, I know. We already do so much, and now we have to be the appreciative ones? Yes, yes we do.

I’ve heard Dr. Phil refer to it as being the relationship hero. (Even if you’re not a Dr. Phil fan, you have to admit he has good relationship advice.) Every relationship needs a hero, someone to step up and make the first move to start the momentum. So I’m going to ask you, have you noticed what your husband has accomplished lately? Have you given him any recognition for his help or what he does? Have you said “thank you” for anything lately?

I was reluctant to try this too, and believe me, it’s the last thing I feel like doing sometimes. But why would I ask my husband to do that if I’m not willing to do the same? If I want him to focus on my good qualities, then it’s only fair that I focus on his.

For one week (on his days off), without him knowing, I decided to thank my husband for things he did and actually take notice of what he got done. I’m usually so wrapped up in what I’m doing, that I forget to take note.

I noticed that he helped me clean up the kitchen after dinner and made sure the kids were done and had their dishes put away.

Later, I noticed that I never have to take the giant garbage cans out because he makes sure that he does it before he goes on a trip so that I don’t have to. Again, I said thanks – that was something I was taking for granted.

I started noticing a lot of things; he takes care of our yard while I’m at work, he helps our son with homework before I get home, he makes sure our son has money for lunch, he pays the bills while he’s on his trips, and he makes sure the floors are clean before he leaves. All of this made me realize that I’m just as guilty of not being appreciative.

And you know what? It worked. All of a sudden, he started thanking me back! The other day he said, “Thank you for taking care of the kids while I’m gone. You’re such a good mom to them.” It felt so good to hear that, and I know it’s because I started thanking him more. You give thanks, you get thanks. By shifting the focus off of myself and all the things I’m doing, I really had my eyes opened to what we both accomplish. And feeling like you’re part of a team is so much nicer than feeling alone.

Step 2: Take care of yourself.

This may not seem like it matters when it comes to getting your husband to appreciate you, but it actually does. Like I mentioned earlier, if you don’t know your needs (and how to meet them) you can’t expect anyone else to know either.

So what do you need? When we’re in the middle of taking care of everyone else, that’s a question that often gets put on hold. We spend so much time making sure that everyone else is taken care of, we neglect to check in on our own well-being. What is important to you? More alone time? To feel pampered? What do you think would help you feel more relaxed and happy?

If it helps you, write down a list. Grab a pen a paper and jot a few things down that you think would help you be the best version of yourself. For me, I need a break from the kids when my husband gets home. If I don’t get time to recharge and regroup after a week spent running errands, working, taking care of the kids, and cleaning, then I am one unhappy wife and mama.

Here’s another secret: When you take care of yourself, you stop looking for others to do it for you. Listen, no one is going to take care of you the way you need if you don’t take care of you first. No one is going to say, “Hey, it’s time for you to go get a pedicure, you look stressed!” That would be nice, but it’s not going to happen, and it’s also unfair to put our happiness on someone else. Does anyone schedule your doctor or dentist appointments? No, you do it yourself because it needs to be done! Same thing with your “you time” – you need to make it important, because it is. So schedule it!

Whether it’s getting a pedicure, going shopping alone, or meeting up with friends, your husband should be on board with helping you when he gets home. But he can’t help you meet your needs if you don’t make them known.

When you take care of yourself, it shows. You look better, feel better, and treat your family better. It’s much easier to find the good in things when we feel content with ourselves. It’s a win-win for everyone!

Step 3: Put him in your shoes – and get in his.

Sometimes, in order to really get our husbands to see what we deal with, they need to experience it for themselves. And I mean, really experience it.

Once or twice a year, I go on a trip for a couple days and leave my husband alone with the kids. This is important for a few reasons. First, my kids get to experience some extra-special dad time, which I think is so valuable considering he’s the one who is usually gone.

Second, my husband gets to experience what it’s like to take care of the kids and the house by himself without me there to help out. It’s quite an eye-opener, and he always tells me afterwards that it’s more work than he thought. (Insert my inner “told you so” happy dance.)

Third, I get to relax and spend some time recharging and getting back to feeling like myself – the person I am without a husband and kids. I love my husband and kids more than anything, so being away from them for a couple days makes me appreciate them even more. It also makes me realize how much my husband means it when he says he misses us when he’s on trips – you do end up missing the chaos, and it’s so sweet to come home to hugs and kisses and excitement that you’re home.

I know that days-long trips aren’t feasible for everyone, but even if you can squeeze in a short overnight or a long afternoon, it’s worth it for him to get a peek inside your world.

I challenge you to find the good in your husband this week. And I encourage you to thank him for what you notice he does – it might not happen right away, but I would be willing to bet that he starts noticing what you do, too.

Good luck, and let me know how it goes!

Xoxo,

The Flight Wife

How To Fake A Clean House When Your Husband Gets Home

August 4, 2015 by Flight Wife 5 Comments

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I know you’ve felt it – that dread that hits you when you’re husband is about to get home, and the house isn’t clean. Again. You’ve been chasing after the kids, trying to keep up with the messes but it’s a losing battle.

As soon as you put away the breakfast dishes, you look over and one kid has dumped toys all over the living room for the millionth time. And before you can even think of having him help you put them away (but really, why bother?), your one year old just decided to wear her breakfast and also share with the floor. It never ends.

Add laundry, chores, school, activities, and all the other stuff you’re supposed to take care of by yourself and you’ve got an overwhelming amount of responsibility on your plate. And I can hear your teeth grinding from here as you try not to think about your husband sleeping uninterrupted in a dark hotel room somewhere. So when he gets home and starts nitpicking your housekeeping skills instead of thanking you for keeping everyone alive, it can definitely sting.

We’ve all heard some version of these comments before:

“Well, what have you been doing while I was gone?”

(Oh, the usual. Sitting around bored watching the kids feed themselves and get themselves dressed. Then I laid on the couch for a couple hours while I watched them play nicely together and then pick up their toys without being asked. Oh, and then our 5 year old made us all dinner and then the kids gave themselves a bath! Crazy huh?! What have I been doing? They don’t even need me!)

“Don’t you like having a clean house?”

(No. I like living in filth, actually. It’s always been my dream.)

“I don’t know why it’s so hard to keep it clean.”

(You also don’t know where we keep the toaster. Or where the scissors are. There are lots of things you don’t know – because you aren’t here. Add it to the list, buddy.)

“This place is a disaster.”

(Your face is a disaster.)

Those may or may not have been thoughts that have gone through my mind. Those little ~~jabs~~ comments can be enough to make you want to scream, and it’s hard to keep your composure when you’re trying very hard to resist the urge to set the house on fire.

I’ve never been a fan of cleaning. I would honestly rather sit through a Justin Bieber concert (please no), or give up wine for a week (oh God), or hell, give birth again (sweet mother of pain stop the insanity) – than have to clean my house. What’s ironic is that I’m actually quite good at cleaning. But that doesn’t mean that I like it.

I go through the 5 stages of grief when I have to clean:

Denial – It’s not that bad… I mean, it’s not like we’re hoarders. Now those people have a problem. Look, I can still see some floor! Over there… under the couch.

Anger – Why am I the only one who cleans around here?! Oh, that’s right, because apparently I’m the only one who lives here! IT NEVER ENDS!! Why am I cleaning when it’s just going to be a mess again tomorrow?! Who am I kidding – in 5 minutes?! WHYYYYYYYY?!?!?! I HATE THIS HOUSE. I HATE MY LIFE. I HATE EVERYTHING. I SHOULD HAVE MARRIED A DOCTOR.

Bargaining – Ok, if I get the living room cleaned I’ll let myself have a glass of wine and watch one episode of my favorite show after I get the kids to bed. Then I’ll clean the rest of the house… Holy crap it’s 11 pm and I’m drunk and accidentally watched 3 hours – here, let me pick up some of these couch pillows.

Depression – Why can’t I like cleaning? I am the worst wife/mom ever. He’s going to leave me. He’s going to leave me for a younger woman who actually enjoys this shit. I hate her. That cleaning whore. Why am I so bad at this? I need more wine.

Acceptance – Ok here we go. I can do this. I will not be a bitter old hag wife. See? This isn’t too bad. Oh my God I will never get this time back. I could be doing so many other things right now. Don’t think about that. Let’s just get this done. Oh wow, that wasn’t too bad actually. Hey, look at that! One room down, 8 to – what the hell was that noise? Wait, why have the kids been so quiet?!?!

And so the cycle goes. If you’re like me, you do clean while your husband is gone, it’s just hard to get it to stay that way. Kids can undo a clean house in 2.4 seconds, give them a day alone and it’ll look like a natural disaster hit.

So, you have a couple options (yes, aside from telling your husband to go to hell and/or cleaning it himself since it’s so easy.)

The first is to hire a housecleaner. I realize this is not an option for most. Especially if you’re a pilot wife. I hope you didn’t just choke on your drink. Sorry about that.

Another, cheaper option is to hire a mother’s helper. Have a neighbor kid or a babysitter come over for a few hours so you can finally get some things done in peace. And if you decide to take a nap instead, no judgment.

The last option is to fake it ‘til you make it. Do it yourself, so to speak. But who has the time? How do you make it look clean when it isn’t? I’m going to spill all my secrets, friends. Because you deserve to spend more time relaxing and less time stressing. And your husband will be amazed at how you’ve managed to do it.

Tip 1: Declutter

Get rid of crap. All of it. All the piles of paper, the junk that sits around collecting dust, and toys that aren’t getting played with? In the trash. Take a giant plastic bag and go through your house, putting in whatever you see that needs to go. Stop hanging on to stuff you don’t need. This cleans off your counter space, floor space, all kinds of space! Don’t let the kids wailing about their toys getting thrown away stop you. You’re in the zone, and this is serious business. Better yet, do it while they’re sleeping. They’ll never miss those horrid, noisy toys your in-laws gave them anyway. I’m kidding. Sort of.

Tip 2: Everything in its place

Everything needs to have a place. End of story. When everything has somewhere to go, it makes your life so much easier. Teach your kids where everything goes, and there will be no excuse for not putting things away. You take it out, you put it back. Doesn’t get any simpler than that. And yes – make the kids help you clean!! Even my one year old helps me sweep the floor. And yes, I count eating Cheerios off the floor sweeping.

Tip 3: Hide it

Buy decorative storage. This is probably the best tip I can give you. Baskets and bins are your new best friends. You can throw all kinds of stuff into bins and it looks organized, even if it’s chaos.

I got this unit at IKEA and made the top 2 bins for my son’s toys and the bottom 2 for my daughter’s toys. Takes me 5 minutes every night for us to throw them all in there and put them away.

See all the crap I can hide? It only looks clean. But that’s all that matters.

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Our nicely organized entertainment center…

Hold up, what?! That’s right, I just throw movies in the cabinets and no one knows. It’ll get organized someday. Not today though. Not today…

Oh look at this clean little corner…

Nope, more toys!!

But what about over here?

I keep all of our remotes (omg, how do we have so many?!) in that table drawer, and all of the chargers and cords we have (for iPads, phones, etc.) in that bottom bin. So easy!

Tip 4: Keep your supplies handy

It’s not easy to clean when your cleaning supplies are not within reach. I keep a small vacuum ($20!! Here on Amazon) and a Swiffer WetJet out in the kitchen at all times. When messes happen I can clean them in 2 minutes or less. Does it replace actually mopping the floor? Of course not. But when I do mop eventually, it’s a million times easier. The best part is I can put these away in 5 seconds if I need to. Cleaning is way less of a hassle when you help yourself out. Think to yourself, what would make cleaning easier for me? And then do it!

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I made this cabinet a space for games and turned the pullout basket thing into a diaper changing station that hides away so I don’t need to have it out. The nursery is upstairs and there’s no way I’m going upstairs every time I need to change a diaper. Boom. Problem solved.

I also keep a small pop-up hamper in the living room (right next to the kitchen) for dirty clothes, dirty bibs, or dirty towels. It’s amazing how often that thing gets used. Then I just drop it off into the laundry room in one trip!

I also don’t keep all my cleaning supplies in one place. Why would I do that when my rooms are all completely spread out? I have a toilet brush and some cleaner in each of our 3 bathrooms. I also keep a small vacuum upstairs as well as downstairs because it’s super annoying to carry stuff up and down the stairs, and I am lazy if you haven’t noticed. Necessity is the mother of invention right?

Keep everything handy and you will thank me later.

Tip 5: Vacuum everything. EVERYTHING.

My Dyson vacuum is probably the best purchase for cleaning I have ever made. Why? Because the attachments are little rescuers of sanity. Do you know what I can vacuum up with this thing? Whole pieces of cereal. Entire Cheez-Its, broken or intact. Tiny shreds of paper and ripped up toilet paper strewn all over the room. See where I’m going with this? And dust. Oh, sweet heaven I can dust with my vacuum. It’s amazing. I can retrieve toys from under the couch, clean a high chair, make couch cushions look new again, and dust a whole room with ease. I strongly recommend getting a vacuum with attachments. It has cut my cleaning time in half, if not more.

Well, there you have it. My best tips for faking a clean house, or at least making cleaning a little bit easier. Enjoy your free time!

Xoxo,

The Flight Wife

Have any tips of your own? I’d love to hear them! Comment below and let me know what you think. 🙂

The Flight Wife’s Travel Tips; How to Keep Your Sanity (And Kids!) Alive

July 13, 2015 by Flight Wife Leave a Comment

There are few things as stressful as airline travel; the crowds, the rushing, the daunting task of having to haul all your crap plus keep an eye on your kids and make sure you have all of their crap – it’s enough to make anyone crazy.

In an effort to save the little sanity you have left, here are my tips to help you get to where you’re going with as few meltdowns as possible. Oh, and how to keep your kids happy, too. Look at my happy little travelers!

Plan, plan plan!

First things first; know what you’re dealing with. There’s a big difference between an hour flight to the state next door and traveling cross country or to another country altogether. There’s also a difference between traveling with one kid and traveling with 5, and whether you’re by yourself (fun!) or with your husband to help. Whatever the case is, it’s best to plan ahead to avoid those oh crap moments at the airport or in the plane. How to do that? Keep reading.

Make lists… Lots of them

Make a packing list. This is essential. I usually make two – one for myself and one for the kids – about a week beforehand, or at least a few days before. This way I can add to it as I think of things, and I’m not scrambling to put things in suitcases as we’re trying to get out the door.

Make a to-do list and a to-buy list as well, so you can have everything ready to go before heading to the airport. Essential things to have? Your IDs, all your big liquids in your suitcase that you’ll be checking (hairspray, shampoo, etc.), snacks (for you and the kids – there’s no rule against bringing your own food), a little cash broken into small bills, and some $5 Starbucks gift cards if you are non-revving. (I can’t even tell you how handy those are!)

If your kids are a little older they can help you with the lists, and it will also help them with learning how to pack.

Know what to bring – and what NOT to bring

The trick to being efficient is to bring only what is essential to your trip. It’s easy to over pack with all the what-ifs you can come up with. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wasted precious suitcase space with shoes I really didn’t need for that dinner I didn’t really go to. Pack mix and match items that can be dressed up or down, and minimize your items in order to maximize your space. The less crap you bring, the less crap you haul around.

Same thing with kid stuff. Is it absolutely essential that you bring a Pack’N Play or will there be a crib you can use when you get there? Do the kids really need to have their own shampoo or can they use yours for a few days? Do you actually need to bring a suitcase full of diapers or would it be smarter to pick some up at a store there? Think about the things you really need, and get rid of the rest. Reduce, compact, and condense your way to happiness.

Another thing to keep in mind is that different airlines have different baggage policies. It’s good to research beforehand what they are so that you don’t get a surprise fee at the ticket counter. Also, a lot of baby items such as car seats and strollers can be checked for free.

For an awesome list of airlines and their baby item policies courtesy of the blog Have Baby Will Travel!, go here.

Be smart about carry-on bags

This is a big one. Keeping your kids entertained keeps everyone happy. But you have to plan ahead. (Sense a theme?) I don’t know about you, but traveling with toddlers is pretty high up there on my Dear-God-please-help-me-get-through-this list.

Snacks, games, movies, and toys are a given because of the entertainment factor. But old toys can lose their luster. Ever noticed how your kids are so excited to play with their friends’ toys? It’s because they’re new to them, or at least provide a break from the same old, same old. Distraction and novelty are awesome meltdown prevention tools. My rule is to bring one surprise per hour of travel. This applies to all ages. Every hour I whip out a shiny new toy or book or movie or activity that the kids have never seen or played with before. It works like a charm!

(Smart move: pack a Ziploc bag for each child and have it ready to go. There are some great examples of travel bags for different age groups on Pinterest, here’s a link.)

It doesn’t have to be anything big – I will often hit Target’s $1 section right before a trip and stock up on little things. If you are really into preparing, you can make the unwrapping game. Take a party streamer and some small toys and wrap them up one by one, until you get a ball of little gifts. These are great entertainment – it takes time to unwrap them and there’s little surprises sprinkled throughout that they can play with afterwards.

Katie from the blog Mom Favorites has some super cute ideas for kid travel bags, too. Check out her post here.

Also, don’t forget to pack your own carry-on. One of the best tips ever; bring a change of clothes (or at least a different top) for yourself! Sitting for hours in spit up or worse is not fun for anyone.

Don’t expect help

This is sad, but true. One of the best things you can do is to expect to do it all yourself – because a lot of times that’s what ends up happening. Carrying bags, keeping the kids corralled, getting through security, and then getting settled on the plane is hard work. But that’s my responsibility. These are my kids, not anyone else’s, and I don’t expect concessions just because I am choosing to travel with them.

Sometimes a kind stranger or helpful flight attendant will lend a hand, but I don’t expect it. If you are offered help, for the love of all that is holy, take it. And thank them profusely. I will be one of the first people to go and help another struggling mom if I see one. But not everyone will offer, or even notice. Don’t take it personally. Just do the best you can with what you got!

Non-rev ninja moves

For non-revving, my advice is to just be as polite and friendly as possible, even if the ticket agents or gate agents are not friendly back. They have a tough job and put up with a lot, so I try to just be nice to everyone I come into contact with, because of course they are your ticket onto that plane. It sucks, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and be nice anyway.

(And then flip them off behind their back as you walk down the jetway. Or at least in your mind. This actually helps, I promise.)

I also try to have those $5 gift cards on hand to give flight attendants before the flight. It may seem small, but this gesture has gotten be more things than I would have ever imagined! Don’t wait until you’re in the air, hand them out as soon as you get on the plane.

I’ve gotten free movies, free food for myself and the kids, and even free drinks! It’s amazing what a small act of kindness can do to put someone in a good mood. When I was a flight attendant, I was always surprised and then extremely grateful for any small token of thanks. It makes your day! And even if you don’t get anything from it (in terms of free stuff) it’ll make you feel good and it’s good karma. Win!

And last but not least…

Don’t freak out

Sometimes (ok all the time) things don’t go as planned no matter how hard you prepare. All you can do is make the best of it. That’s what parenting is all about, right? So if your kids are restless, or your baby won’t stop crying, just try to stay calm and ride it out. Deep breaths. Kids can sense our emotions, so make an effort to keep them in check, as hard as that may be. Just don’t let your kid kick the seat in front of him – seriously. Don’t be that mom.

And feel free to tell that guy in 24A to shut his face or he can hold your crying baby for you. You’ll get through this, I promise. Keep trying different things and stay calm. Remind yourself that there is wine at the end of the tunnel.

And when you get there? Celebrate your success! You made it!

Have any tips of your own? Comment below, I’d love to hear from you!

Xoxo,

The Flight Wife

Pilot Wife 101: The New Bride’s Guide To Surviving Aviation

June 24, 2015 by Flight Wife 6 Comments

So you’re going to be a pilot’s wife! ~~Run while you can~~ Congratulations! Whether you’ve just tied the knot or are getting ready to, here are some tips that I think you’ll find helpful. I’ve been with my pilot for 11 years, and we’re coming up on 9 mostly awesome years of marriage. While this is nowhere near as long as some other pilot wives (my friends included), I think it’s been long enough that I can offer some advice. And while my marriage is nowhere near perfect (hahahaha, oh that made me laugh), I’ve learned a ton along the way. I want to pass this on to you, mainly so you have an idea of what to expect, but also so that you can learn from my mistakes.

Expect the Unexpected

If you haven’t learned this yet, you will fast. There is nothing steady or stable about aviation life. From moving to different states (or sometimes countries), to schedule changes (oh, you thought he would be home tonight? Yeah, that’s not happening) to upgrading, and downgrading, regionals to majors, and everything in between, stability is nowhere to be found.

So, how to deal? Roll with the punches. You have to be flexible or you will go insane. Just realize it now: You have no control. And your pilot has no control over it, either. So you can either get caught up in the unfairness, the inhumanity, the injustice of it all… Or you can recognize early on that it is what it is, so you might as well just go with it.

Trust me, the latter option makes your life SO much easier.

Stay Awesome

That girl that your husband was dating, remember her? The one who had interests and hobbies, who loved to laugh and create adventures, who shared her hopes and dreams for the future with bright eyes and a sense of humor. The one who was down for a spontaneous roll in the hay and who also loved to go do things, who was opinionated and sometimes sassy, the one who loved fiercely and wanted to travel and try new things.

Don’t ever let her leave you. Do everything in your power to keep her around, because when you’re managing finances and the household and laundry and dinner and trying to find time to clean somewhere in there and what the hell, why am I the only one doing shit around here and omg if I have to listen to him talk flying for another minute I swear to God and what do you mean what have I been doing while you’ve been gone – she can seem a long ways away, like a distant memory. Don’t lose sight of her. Keep your interests, and keep your hobbies, and keep your sense of humor, because you are going to need them. They will be your lifeline in the midst of monotony.

Just because you are married doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself. Your husband does not complete you, you complete you. Yes, you are part of a team, a new family. But being a wife doesn’t define you, it’s just another part of your awesome self. So stay awesome.

Loneliness Is a Choice

Yep, I said it. Because it’s true. There is so much world out there left for you to discover! Life doesn’t end with marriage. It ends when you have kids. (That’s a joke, I promise. Kids are awesome. Especially when they’re asleep.)

Loneliness is a choice. Why? Because you are only going to be as lonely as you want to be. I’m not going to sit at home and bemoan the fact that my husband is gone when I could be doing something fun instead. Yes, I have a job and responsibilities. No, that doesn’t mean I have to go home every night and do nothing. How boring is that?! I don’t have time for loneliness when I’m busy.

There are far too many resources available to make excuses. Remember those hobbies and interests you kept? Find friends who like to do the same thing and hang out! This is the perfect time in your life to do all the things you want to do before you start having kids.

Have a girls’ night out with friends, meet new people, meet neighbors, meet people in groups online (like pilot wife groups on Facebook – or anywhere you can find support. Having friends in the industry who “get it” is a lifesaver) and get yourself out there. Take a cooking class, go to movies (that your husband might not be into – Magic Mike 2, anyone?), go to parks, and go to museums. Read books and magazines out by the pool. Do what makes you happy!

You know what’s not lonely? Enjoying your own company. Eating powdered donuts and drinking wine on the couch while binge-watching Orange is The New Black in my pajama pants isn’t lonely either. That’s called fabulous.

The point is, of course you are going to be lonely sometimes. That is inevitable. But what are you going to do about it? Are you going to sit around and wallow in your loneliness, or are you going to go out and enjoy your life? Being a pilot wife offers a certain (and glorious) amount of freedom to do what you want that other wives don’t often experience. Take advantage!

Self-Reliance Is Your Friend

Remember what I said earlier about expecting the unexpected? Well there’s this rule among pilot wives, it’s pretty much Murphy’s law of aviation: Whatever can go wrong while your pilot is gone, will go wrong.

Whether it’s car issues, house issues, or medical issues, you should have a plan in place for when the unavoidable shit hits the fan. (Here’s a handy post I wrote about things you should know how to do yourself.) The more you know how to do on your own, the more confident you’ll be in handling things when they do go wrong.

Sure, it can be intimidating to learn to do things yourself. But I can’t even tell you how empowering it is. I am now a master of assembling IKEA furniture, changing a flat tire, and handling other emergencies. I’m also a master of knowing when to call for help if something is out of my depth. There’s only so much I can handle, and knowing my limits is something I consider to be a strength. I can do a lot, but not everything!

Stay Connected

This is another big one. Maybe the biggest big one. It’s vital to your relationship that you stay connected. Because the little things building up into big things are what tear so many aviation families apart. It’s easy to let things slide and become bad habits. It happens. But you have to put the work into your marriage in order to get what you want out of it. And it. Takes. Work. A lot of it, sometimes.

So keep dating each other. Keep dating, and keep kissing, and keep holding hands. Keep asking each other questions, stay interested in each other, and stay interesting. Text each other, call each other, and FaceTime each other. Whatever it is that keeps you both feeling that spark, do it. Here’s another post I wrote about how to keep the sizzle going when you’re married to a pilot.

Best of luck to you as you start your journey together!

Xoxo,

The Flight Wife

10 Tips To Survive First Year Pilot Pay

June 16, 2015 by Flight Wife 6 Comments

Everyone knows that first year pay sucks. It just does.

If you’re lucky enough to have been hired by a major, it may come as sort of a shock that first year pay is so low, especially if you’ve become accustomed to getting decent pay from a regional.

Although some pilots marry women who make as much, if not more, than they do, I have found that the majority, myself included, do not.

No matter how you’re doing it, here are ten tips to help you ~~get through~~ survive those awful first 12 months.

1. Plan and Cut Back

You know ahead of time that this is going to be a challenge, so prepare as much as possible. Do what you can to eliminate debt and minimize payments. The less money you have going to payments is the more money you get to keep and use elsewhere.

Try to lower as many bills as you can. If you don’t have one already, get a family share plan for your cell phones, or see if there’s something else you can cut out (minutes, texting, data) to slash it even more. Cut your cable (yes, I’m serious) and stream Netflix instead. Get rid of your landline unless it’s absolutely necessary. Getting rid of our house phone (that we never used and only rang with solicitors) was one of the best things we ever did. It cut our bill by a lot and our evenings became peaceful again!

Try and get by with the basic plan for everything. If you have credit cards or student loans, check into lowering your payments or deferring if possible. It never hurts to ask!

If you can save anything, put it away while you can. I can assure you you’re going to need it. Car repairs, household issues, and other unexpected mishaps can break you if you’re unprepared. And putting it on a credit card can really hurt you long term. Your future self will thank you.

2. Create a Budget and Stick To It

If you haven’t used a budget before, now is the time to start. There are a ton out there, do a Google search to see which one you think will work the best for you. Dave Ramsey is extremely popular among aviation families; I suggest you look into that if you can.

Whatever type of budget you use, it’s so important to stick to it. Having it all written down will help you immensely in tracking where your money goes. It’s also important to keep the communications lines open with your spouse. You should both be on the same page and willing to talk about finances.

Financial intimacy is vital; fights about money are inevitable, but being able to trust each other and work together as a team can really help quell any arguments ahead of time.

3. Don’t Acquire New Debt

This seems like a given, but you’d be surprised. Save the car and house buying for later (did you laugh at house buying? I did too. Who is that crazy?). It might be tempting to buy a TV when the payments are $37 a month, but that $37 could go towards gas money instead. Like I said, you’re going to need all the extra money you can get. Don’t do it.

4. Skip The Luxuries

This is the part that sucks, and takes a lot of sacrifice. But you gotta do what you gotta do. And it’s a year, not the rest of your life. You have to remember that this is temporary.

During first year pay I stopped getting my hair cut (which wasn’t too bad, since I usually grow it out long after cutting anyway), I stopped getting my nails done (easily $50-$65 a month), and I shopped at consignment stores for clothing. It actually wasn’t horrible, you’d be surprised what you can find. I had to make do with what I had, and even though sometimes it sucked, it was worth it.

We stopped eating out, which had been a huge money pit. Instead, I used our budget to meal plan each week, and I went out and found the best deals on food. I also learned how to cook and freeze meals to make them last a lot longer. And no-name brands were my new best friend.

I still shop at the dollar store for certain things (party supplies! kitchen utensils! cleaning products!) because of the habits I started during the first year.

5. Find Free Things To Do

Fun, free things to do are literally a Google search away. Just enter “free things to do in [enter your city here]” and check it out. You can find performances, parks, art festivals and more. Just because you’re on a budget doesn’t mean you can’t still do stuff. You just have to be a little more creative.

Also, check around for Groupons, free outdoor movie nights, or museum specials. You never know what you could find!

6. Trade Services

Have a talent or a skill? Trading services can be a great way to get stuff. Being a photographer has gotten me childcare, meals, baby clothes, and more. You can also trade babysitting with a friend to score date nights, something that came in very handy for us. They were cheap dates, but dates nonetheless!

7. Craigslist and Swip-Swap Sites

We’ve all heard the sketchy stories about Craigslist meetups gone wrong, and no one argues that it can be dangerous. But if you do it right, Craigslist can be a huge resource for awesome deals. You know the drill – meet in a public place, during daylight hours, let a few people know where you’ll be and what you’re doing (text before and after), and bring someone (or multiple people) with you. I have scored so many amazing deals this way (and made money selling crap we didn’t need!) – even though I had to wait for my husband to be home, it was worth it.

Ever heard of Swip-Swap? Found on Facebook, virtually every city/town has jumped onboard with one of these. It’s like an online garage sale – sort of a safer Craigslist, since you know who the people are (or where to find them) and it usually involves “porch pickup” with no in-person interaction. I have made a lot of money selling baby items and toys – and gotten stuff like free (sealed of course) formula, cheap diapers, and kid clothes as well.

You just have to be quick; things on the swip-swap sites can go fast. But the deals can be amazing.

My friend got my son this climbing toy for his 5^th birthday. Retails on Amazon for (not joking) $385. She got it for $35. And the thing is still new! If that doesn’t motivate you, I don’t know what will. Just search for groups in your area on Facebook.

8. Increase Income

If you’ve cut everything you can and you still are cutting it close, try to come up with different ways to add to your income. Are you good at making things? Open an Etsy shop. Or consider driving people around in your spare time with companies like Uber or Lyft. There’s a myriad of ways to earn extra cash.

Fiverr is a site where you can offer your services (voice over, song writing, designing, copywriting, editing, singing) starting at $5 and go from there. For instance, if you do voice over, you can offer 20 words for $5 and then include add-ons (where the real money is made).

If you teach, you can tutor online. If you knit or sew, you can open a store with Etsy or bigcartel.com. You can also watch other children in your home or pet sit. I made $100 watching someone’s sweet dog for a week once. It was easy money!

9. Be Supportive

Chances are, if you’re going into this with at least some knowledge of the task you’re undertaking, you’re already a supportive person. It’s a big deal that you are supportive of your husband during the hard times – you deserve a lot of appreciation for it. You just have to keep in mind that you’re in this together. Is it fun? No. Does it mean you can’t have fun? Absolutely not!

Don’t lose sight of your long-term goals in the midst of stressful times. It’s going to be difficult, I promise. But I can also promise that it does get better. A lot better.

Just keep repeating; it’s only temporary, it’s only temporary.

Give each other space to be frustrated if that’s how you’re feeling. Keep communicating no matter what. But don’t let it consume you – this kind of stuff is what can ruin marriages. Try and stay connected as much as you can.

And then?

10. Plan Your Party!

That’s right, you deserve it! Surviving 1^st year pilot pay warrants celebration – you made it! You are now fighters of frugality, masters of money, slayers of setback, and conquerors of catastrophe. Congratulate yourselves, and plan something fun for that first 2^nd year paycheck. However you decide to celebrate, make it good. And know that most likely the worst part is over.

Xoxo,

The Flight Wife

***Have anything you would add to this list? Comment below, I always love hearing from readers!***

Listen Up Pilots, This Is What Your Wife Wishes You Knew

May 26, 2015 by Flight Wife 2 Comments

Listen, I know what you’re probably thinking. Great, another article my wife sends me to nag about – well, whatever she’s always nagging me about.

Hear me out, gentlemen. I want to help you. I know that sometimes we are hard to understand, we are admittedly complicated creatures. Sometimes we contradict ourselves, change our minds, and have mood swings that make your heads spin. But know this; we love you, and believe it or not, we need you.

Yes, we are independent. Yes, we are self-sufficient. We run our households like well-oiled machines when you’re gone, and we are masters at multi-tasking. (See here for the top 10 reasons why we rule, if you haven’t already.)

We manage, organize, clean, and keep things running because we have to. But sometimes it’s a lot. Okay, a lot of times it’s a lot. Like, overwhelmingly so, to the point where we feel like we are drowning. But we really don’t like to complain, because we are stubborn and don’t want to look weak (I know you can relate). So we need a soft place to fall, even if it looks like we have it all handled. Everyone needs a break sometimes, and I can promise you that your wife needs your help, too.

So I’m going to try to help out, because we wives are not the best at asking for what we want until it’s too late and our heads are about to explode – and you look at us like we have lost our minds, but really, it’s been building for months.

Has it been a while since you’ve gotten laid? Or felt connected? I’m going to help with that, too. Let me tell you a secret – the best chance you have at getting some action is to start that action way before you ever step foot in the bedroom. Read that again. It’s important.

By the time we get to bed we have already decided whether or not we’re going to sleep with you. Any halfhearted attempts at groping under the sheets will either be met with warmth or the cold shoulder. It’s what you do beforehand that determines the outcome.

Think of your wife like an airplane. What do you do before every flight? You do a walk-around, you check for any damage, you make sure your aircraft is safe to fly. You can’t just jump onboard and take off, right? You need to warm her up, get all the systems running, and get clearance. (We’re still talking about the airplane by the way.) You have to start the engines way before you reach the runway, yes? Well that’s exactly how your wife is, too. Keep reading and I’ll explain.

Your wife needs your help

I know it’s difficult to know what’s going on when you get home from a trip. You come home and things probably look like they’re all taken care of. But that’s rarely true. There’s always something we need help with, and your help especially.

Yes, really. And I know it’s hard to know that, especially when your wife probably doesn’t ask for it. It really isn’t all your fault, you need to understand that. Communication is a two-way street. But if you want to make things easier, I suggest the following.

Ask, “How can I help you?” or, “What do you need me to help with?”

Trust me, these questions are like the gateway to happiness. Knowing that you care about what we are doing – or that you’re even paying attention to the fact that we are doing something that may need your help is a game changer. We want to be noticed and acknowledged, and asking those questions fulfills both of those needs.

She might say no, she’s got it. But at least you offered, and that is what matters. And if she does need help, jump in and do it! There’s nothing sexier than a man who helps his wife.

By the way, if you ask her and she says no, you are in the clear. Playing games and pretending you’re fine when you aren’t isn’t helping anyone, ladies. Do yourself a favor and speak up if he asks you. Passive aggressive behavior is not allowed.

Do one thing without her asking

Every week, pick something she’s been nagging about. Broken toilet? If you’re handy, fix it. If not, make a phone call. You are in this together, remember?

Whether it’s setting the table while she’s cooking dinner, or wrangling the kids while she’s trying to shower, do one thing without saying a word. She will notice, I promise.

She needs to know that you have her back, and that she’s not alone in taking care of things around the house. You live there too! Even if it is part-time. There has to be a joint effort.

And if she sees you putting in that effort, whooo boy, look out! Those points are going to start adding up like nobody’s business.

Take her out

Plan something, all by yourself. Arrange for a sitter, and pick a place. It doesn’t have to be fancy, it doesn’t even have to cost much. (Also, consider doing things for trade. Trade babysitting with another aviation couple, or offer a talent or work to a neighbor – you can figure it out.)

Remember when you used to date your wife? There’s no reason to stop. But there’s every reason to continue, including keeping your marriage in shape. And it’s fun! Seriously, when is the last time you saw a movie that wasn’t a cartoon? Or had a conversation that didn’t include interruptions from the kids? If it’s been longer than you can remember, you need to get on it.

There’s tons of things you can do for free, don’t let money be the issue. Pack a picnic, go for a walk, Google “free things to do in my city” and see what comes up. Be creative! You can even rent a movie and make a tent with a meal in your bedroom after the kids have gone to bed. Decorate the room in Christmas lights and don’t let her in there until it’s finished– build the suspense. Your options are limitless.

(If you do have a little money, I HIGHLY recommend doing one of those drinking/painting workshops – they are SO fun and you get to talk and make fun of each other/compete for whose painting is better. And you have to clean off somehow…)

The point is, you need some time for just yourselves. Your wife needs to know that you still value your relationship with her even after the years have passed and you’re in a different place now. Things change (having kids, gaining/losing weight, life goals) but she needs to know that your love for her hasn’t. Go show her.

Surprise Her

Oftentimes we get in a rut as couples. Mix things up! Buy her a card, bring her something from your trip that made you think of her, plan that date I mentioned above. Keep her on her toes! We’re all guilty of letting things get too boring, we get stuck in the day-to-day mundane routine. Throw in a surprise and bam! Don’t be shocked if she surprises you right back.

Small things still matter. And giving her a little token here and there to remind her of you can’t get you anywhere but ahead. Try it and let me know how it goes.

Kiss her

Kiss her hello. Kiss her goodbye. Kiss her goodnight. Every time, no excuse. Show me a woman who doesn’t like being kissed, and I’ll show you a liar. (Unless she’s PMSing, or you’ve had a big fight. She might not like it then. Try anyway.)

Kissing is essential! Even if it’s on the cheek, kiss her. She needs it.

Talk to her

In this day and age it’s so easy to end up on different sides of the couch while you both catch up on Facebook (guilty!) or Pinterest or being online doing whatever. Technology is taking over our lives whether we like it or not. But that doesn’t mean we have to be slaves to it.

We still get to decide how we spend the time in our day. So put down the devices, and talk to each other. Ask her how her day went, or about the book she (never has time for) reading. Ask her if she could go anywhere, where would it be? What would she want to do if you both won the lottery? What does she fear? What does she want in 5-10 more years? These conversations are what made you close to begin with. Get to know your wife again.

Ask her questions, and listen. Really listen, and make her feel cherished for opening up to you. Open up right back, even if it’s hard, or seems boring. I’m telling you, it’s the little things that matter. And for the love of God, don’t talk about flying unless she brings it up.

Trust me on that one.

Compliment her

We all need to hear nice things from our partners. Sometimes it can make the difference in the tone for the entire day.

Tell your wife she looks beautiful, even without makeup. Tell her you appreciate her and the hard work she does while you’re away. Tell her you love her. She needs to hear it.

Those little nuggets are what get us through the day, and they get us through your trips. So tell her something. Bonus points for making it original. “You look nice” is ok, but, “Damn your ass looks amazing in those jeans” is better. (Don’t be crass if it’s not your thing. I happen to like crass, haha.)

Other examples of being specific:

“I love your laugh, it’s still the best.”

“Wow babe, thanks for taking care of this while I was gone. I know it’s not easy.”

“You are amazing at taking care of the kids, I don’t know how I would manage without you.”

“I think about you all the time during my trips, I missed you a lot.”

“You are so good at multi-tasking, I can’t believe you got all that done!”

Your wife needs to hear that she is appreciated. It’s a lot of work to take care of a household when you’re gone, and I know it’s easy to overlook since you are busy, too. But while you’re sleeping in a hotel (yeah, I know sometimes it’s a crappy one, or it’s loud, or you’re on reduced rest, I’ve done it, too) she was staying up all night with a toddler who was throwing up, getting laundry done, cooking meals, cleaning up (mostly, if she’s like me), and not getting a break. I was a flight attendant for 3 years, and that shit was hard. But it was nothing like being a mother. And it was cake compared to being a mother by myself for days on end.

We love our kids. And we love you! But we really, really need to hear that we are valued. That taking care of the kids, although necessary, is not something anyone enjoys 100% of the time. We need to hear that you appreciate the crap we deal with when you’re gone.

If you come home and the first thing you do is mention the few dishes in the sink, or that there’s still dust in the house, or how do these toys keep ending up out here – I’ve got news for you buddy; you’re doing it wrong. She is doing the goddamn best she can to hold it together and keep things running, and it’s not easy.

Don’t believe me? Send your wife on a trip for 3-4 days, anywhere. Hell, send her to a hotel in the same city. And you take over. Do all of it. Let me know how it goes. (Your wife may actually like this idea, so I apologize in advance if you didn’t heed my prior warning.)

So when you walk through that door, instead of noticing the dishes and commenting, notice your wife instead. Notice how she needs a pedicure and hasn’t had one in months. Notice how she’s been wearing the same clothes for a year without complaining. Notice how she desperately needs a haircut and color and hasn’t even had the time to wash her hair every day , or even every other day for that matter.

Notice your wife.

She’s the one running your kids around to various appointments, handling schoolwork, bills, groceries, laundry (endless, endless laundry), cooking, cleaning, and schedules. She keeps track of birthdays, anniversaries, doctor’s appointments. And sometimes she goes to work. And sometimes she goes to work watching the kids at home.

She doesn’t want much. But you need to notice her. Let her know you appreciate what she does.

And then start those dishes yourself.

How to preflight your wife, a.k.a. get her “in the mood”

From the AOPA website: “Organization and attention to detail are important. When preflighting, always follow the aircraft’s written checklist. One overlooked switch (such as a boost pump) can make the difference between safety and disaster.”

Boy, you got that right. Let’s put this into practical use, shall we?

Here’s the rundown. Before you are anywhere near “taking off” you need to preflight. Read: that means foreplay. And foreplay doesn’t start in the bedroom. It ends in the bedroom.

So first you need to do a walk-around. This is done when you get home. You kiss your wife (see above) and take note. You look for damage. How is her mood? Does she need help with something? Assess and continue.

Things that will ground your flight include:

Insults, impatience, lack of willingness to help, going straight to a device (computer, phone, iPad), ignoring things that need to be done, indifference, not offering help, scoffing, an air of un-appreciativeness, trying to “fly” without warming up engines first, trying to go anywhere near the throttle before clearance has been given. (Don’t even pretend you don’t know what the last one is.)

Ask her how she’s doing. What problems did she have while you were gone? Did she need to “write up” anything? (This is the crap we save for you to look at – bills, notes home, etc.)

Next up, help her out with whatever she needs help with. Get those engines revving. Now’s the time to throw in that surprise. Whether it’s the upcoming date you planned, something small you brought her from your trip, or telling her to go get that pedicure while you stay with the kiddos, do it now. Listen to those engines purr.

Time for the checklist:

(Don’t take this literally, it’s not a script. It’s a guideline.)

I missed you.

What did I miss while I was gone?

You look sexy.

Need any help?

Let me get that for you.

What should we do later? Want to watch a movie?

I want to spend some time together.

You are seriously hot.

Let me give the kids a bath.

Here, let me help.

I love you.

Need anything?

Damn you’re sexy.

Now talk to her. And listen. Listen some more. Take mental notes. Kiss her and tell her she’s beautiful. Stroke her face, and thank her for being awesome. Give her affection without expecting it to be sexual. It might, but don’t expect it. Keep warming her up.

It might not happen right away. It might take some time. But keep doing it anyway. Warm her up, and be patient. Wait for her signal. And then? Takeoff. Sometimes when you least expect it.

Wheels up, my friend. Happy flying.

Xoxo,

The Flight Wife

My Silent Struggle: A Tale Of A Pilot Wife With PPD

May 11, 2015 by Flight Wife 2 Comments

I’ve had this post sitting as a draft for awhile now. I don’t know what it is that kept me from clicking “publish”, but for some reason it’s just been sitting there, waiting. Am I afraid to share my story? Do I think people will look at me differently when they see what happened to me? I don’t know what has been holding me back.

Last week, a friend of mine who recently gave birth to her third baby revealed she was going through a hard time. It wasn’t like the last two, and she just didn’t feel “right”. And just like that it hit me. I remembered the feelings of loneliness, of thinking that it was never going to get better, that no one would understand, and that I was doing it all wrong. I remember thinking that I was probably the worst mother ever because I didn’t fall in love right away, I didn’t have those sudden, overwhelming feelings of emotional attachment with my baby. And what the hell was wrong with me?!

Little did I know, there are many women who have experienced the exact same thing, and I was not alone at all. That’s why I decided to write this post. Because if I can help even one other mom feel less alone, then it’s worth it. Whether it’s your first time giving birth or your 5th, post partum can affect you, and if you don’t know the signs, you can easily end up feeling overwhelmed and helpless.

This is the stuff you don’t hear about at the baby shower, while everyone oohs and ahhs over the cute clothes and eats cake. It’s the part that doesn’t get shared because it’s not pretty. Nobody wants to worry a pregnant woman when there’s already so much to be worried about. I want to reach out and tell you that while it doesn’t do any good to worry, knowing the signs and being aware of how you are feeling after birth are important. It could save you weeks or even months of needless pain. And so I am sharing my story with you, so that maybe some good can come out of what I experienced.

My Story

I was a complete mess. I was on the couch and hadn’t showered in days. I couldn’t remember when I had eaten last. All I knew was the pain, and the desperate craziness I felt that was eating me alive. Everything was harder. It felt like I was walking around with a wet, heavy blanket and weights tied to my feet.

And then the crying would start. And I didn’t know what to do.

I would hurry and take care of whatever need the baby had, and promptly fall back asleep, or try to. I would get lost in sleep, and it seemed like there was never enough of it. I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror, not that I looked at myself very often. I could barely remember to brush my teeth.

At the hospital, we had had nonstop visitors. Everything was a blur. The only time I was ever alone with my son was at night, when I desperately needed sleep but couldn’t get it. Every 4 hours nurses came in to help with feedings. During the day it was constant people in and out of our room. The baby would be sleeping or being held by another visitor and I would be desperately trying to stay awake. And then feed him, which also seemed nonstop. Then there was the testing and nurses coming in and out. Hearing tests, vaccinations, giving him baths. Then I had an allergic reaction to my pain medication and had to have it switched. Paperwork was thrust into our faces for his birth certificate, social security information, feeding schedule, pain meds schedule, don’t shake your baby pamphlet, sign here, sign there, more papers.

My head was swimming.

I wanted to go home, but the severity of my birthing injuries and something about his circumcision (I can’t remember what it was) kept us there for 4 days. We finally got to go home, and with the whirlwind hospital stay behind us, I was looking forward to having some quiet and alone time. I stared at my baby. He was perfect. He was also a complete stranger. I felt like I was supposed to know him already, but I didn’t know anything about him. It was such an odd, detached feeling. Here is this person I’m supposed to love, to feel so happy and overwhelmed with joy that it completes me. But all I felt was confusion. I mean, of course I loved him. But I felt like I was missing that instinctual, warm, all-consuming I am so in love right now feeling, and I felt like a failure already.

I felt like a walking zombie. I felt numb. And I was sure that no other mother had ever been this awful.

This is what everyone was talking about. The sleepless nights. How hard it would be. And I am screwing this up so bad.

But the baby was sleeping fine. Great, in fact. He would nap during the day, cried very little unless he was hungry or tired, and was pretty calm and happy. Everywhere we went people commented on what a good baby he was.

But I’m not okay. I’m dying inside. I’m a horrible mother. Why would they give him to me? Why would they let me take him home?

The thoughts were never-ending, and unwanted. They filled my mind constantly, drowning out even my most basic needs like eating and drinking water. My husband didn’t seem to notice, and I felt invisible.

photo credit

I couldn’t really blame him. He wasn’t home long enough to even have time to pay attention. The fact that he was gone for 6-8 days at a time and then home for 1 or 2 was killing me. He was at a point in his career that we never expected. We had just purchased our first home when the economy tanked and oil prices went through the roof, causing airlines to lay off employees left and right. Although Scott didn’t get laid off, he got placed on a smaller aircraft, which meant a smaller paycheck. About half of what he was making before. It was bad.

And then he got displaced across the country. We were Phoenix based, and now he was being sent to Chicago.

We couldn’t move, we had just bought a house. And so he commuted. To the other side of the country. He would start his trip a day early, praying he could get on a flight. Once he was there he would start his trip, and at the end he would try and get home again. A lot of times he couldn’t make it. He had to get a crash pad for those times, which is usually a shitty little apartment shared by about 20 crew members for the sole purpose of having a place to sleep when they can’t make it home. So he would get home, and still be on East Coast time, exhausted from the long days. But he would still let me sleep whenever he was home, because he knew I needed it.

He was enthralled with our son, his love for him was palpable. And I was jealous. I was jealous because why couldn’t I just be in love that easily? Why was this so hard for me but so easy for my husband? Why couldn’t I just feel something?! The guilt would creep in, and perpetuate the cycle.

Because you weren’t cut out for this. You are an awful person. What kind of mother doesn’t fall in love instantly with their baby? There’s something wrong with you.

This isn’t how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to be happy. Fulfilled. Rocking my baby to sleep and enjoying every minute. Instead, I felt like I was barely surviving. And those thoughts persisted constantly. They would flood my mind with images of car accidents, crib accidents, any type of accident my twisted brain could come up with.

I’m going to walk into his room and he’s going to be dead, I know it. Don’t be surprised if you walk in there and he’s not breathing. You’re a horrible mother. You are seriously so bad at this. Why would anyone let you have a baby?

It was a nightmare. Being awake was a nightmare. So I would sleep and try to escape, any chance I got.

But then, out of the blue and in the middle of the day, I had the most terrifying thought I have ever had. And it shook me.

We should have given him up for adoption. I am not a good mother. He should be taken away.

And with that thought, I knew.

I knew that I was not right, that I needed help. But I was so lost and afraid that I had no idea how. I remember going to my 6 week follow-up appointment and the nurse practitioner looked at me, and then said very gently, “How are you feeling? Kind of sad?” and I just looked at her and nodded, then looked away. “Do you cry a lot?” she asked. I just nodded again. I had lost the ability to cry, and I am not by nature a crier. But I felt like if I could have cried, I would have been crying every damn day.

I felt empty, like I couldn’t even think straight. “I’m going to get you something that I think could help. Would that be ok?” I nodded. I got a prescription that day, and I can’t even remember if I filled it or my husband did.

It was for an antidepressant, and I still thank God that that nurse paid attention and cared enough to help me when I couldn’t even help myself. I came out of the fog, although not completely, and started to feel better. The bad thoughts went away, which was the biggest relief. I could finally stop writing myself the to-do lists that had been necessary to include going to the bathroom and eating, because without them I wouldn’t do it. I started to feel like myself again.

It was one of the roughest times in our marriage, those blurry newborn days. But once I got help, things started to get better. I could handle more, and we got our rhythm. Things weren’t so overwhelmingly difficult. I only wish I could have gotten help sooner. It made me sad to think that those weeks were wasted on feeling so awful when in hindsight it was such an easy fix. Pretending I was ok didn’t help anything.

If you or anyone you know is suffering from PPD – which lasts longer than the typical baby blues – please seek help. You NEED to take care of yourself. You deserve it, and your baby deserves it. Don’t wait another minute. Call your doctor, or your nurse, or your friend. ANYONE. No one deserves to suffer needlessly and feel alone. Get help, as soon as you can. I wish I hadn’t missed out on so much with my son those first few months.

I’m happy to say that after I got help, I started to enjoy being a mom more, and finally fell in love with him. That’s what no one tells you, that sometimes you don’t automatically fall in love with the wailing little person they hand you in the hospital. Sometimes it takes some time to form that bond. And that’s ok.

It took us a while to find our way, but we did. I can’t imagine not having him in our lives, and I finally got that overwhelming, fierce love for him that I so craved. But I would be lying if I told you that it had come easily, because it didn’t.

Now he is a thriving 5 year old and he brings us so much joy. Sometimes I look at him and I can’t believe we went through that. It would be easy for me to try and just forget about it, or not to tell anyone since now everything is great. But I would be doing so many women a disservice who have also gone through it, or who are going through it right now.

I wish someone would have told me.

Did you experience PPD with any of your babies? How did you handle it? I would love to hear from you in the comments.

Xoxo,

The Flight Wife

The Bristle; How To Avoid Being A B*tch When Your Husband Gets Home

March 23, 2015 by Flight Wife 12 Comments

I know you’ve felt it before. That sharp, prickly sense that crawls up your spine when your husband comes home and starts ruining your routine. The routine you have meticulously crafted over the years to be able to function to the highest efficiency while on your own. The routine that you and the kids rely on for survival and happiness. The routine that simultaneously gives you order and grants you freedom from the unstructured chaos that is constantly chasing you.

I have dubbed it, The Bristle.

Omg that’s not what we were supposed to have for dinner tonight! That’s for Wednesday! I promised the kids we were going to have chicken enchiladas for dinner tonight! Great, now what am I supposed to tell them?

What is the baby wearing!?!? Is that… Is that her church dress? Omg it’s like 3 months too small and we’re going to dinner, not a wedding. Yeesh, now I have to change her myself – again!!

Why are these plates in this cupboard?! Am I the only one who knows where the plates go around here?! Is it that hard?!

It’s bedtime – I told him it was bedtime 30 minutes ago so he could put the kids to bed and I could finally shower. Aaaand the kids are still up. UGH.

He went to the grocery store and didn’t get half of what we need because he didn’t ask for my list! Seriously?!

Sound familiar?

Being a pilot wife, there is a certain amount of self-sufficiency and autonomy that is a must with this lifestyle. You have to be able to juggle, multitask, plan, un-plan when necessary, manage a household by yourself, and do things on your own. You have to be efficient and organized, and very independent. Or you will go insane.

So when we use all of that awesome independence and superhuman strength to do it all while our husbands are gone, it can feel a bit, well, unnatural to step aside and become a partnership again. Basically, we’ve gotten so good at being independent that we’ve forgotten to include our husbands. And this is why we feel The Bristle. Of course we miss them while they are gone, and also look forward to them coming home – but that doesn’t make the melding together again easy.

I spend at least a day before his trip starts gearing myself up for being in charge while he’s going to be gone. I use self-talk and post-it notes mostly. And wine. I need to plan out my week and schedule things, but I also have to mentally prepare for being the alpha dog. When he’s gone, it’s just me. He can’t help me from 2,000 miles away, and we all know that’s when shit happens.

At some point, (usually when our husbands get home) we have to step back and let things go. And I don’t know about you, but that is scary for me. Plus, I just handled ALL OF THE THINGS and now he’s supposed to just take over? Ha! As someone who has always worked better alone than in groups, I get irritated at this concept.

And, hello?! My way is obviously the best way. Isn’t that why he married me? Isn’t that why, after being married for years, we decided to make little people together and leave me in charge while he’s gone?! This is the type of thinking that gets me in trouble. And it’s something I strive to change. Hey, you can’t change if you don’t acknowledge first, right?

Letting go is hard, but it’s also necessary. If I’m in charge all the time, it’s now a dictatorship, not a partnership. And that’s not good for anyone (even though sometimes it seems like an awesome idea). Plus, I really do need to share the responsibility – no one can manage things themselves all the time. It’s exhausting. (God bless you single mamas everywhere. You are in my thoughts always.)

We need to calm down a bit, and loosen up. (And by “we” I mean me. It just makes me feel better to surround myself with imaginary friends I can share the blame with.) So the dishes aren’t put away perfectly. Does it hurt anyone? No. Plus, at least my husband put the dishes away. I usually plop them in the sink for a good month or so first. (They’re soaking. They need to soak.)

So the baby is wearing clothes that don’t fit and are mismatched. Does it matter? A little. I’m not gonna lie. It hurts me inside, but I can still let it go. He tried.

So the kids will go to bed a little later than normal, is it going to kill them? No. But I should probably let him know how important a consistent bedtime is for them.

The common theme I’ve noticed is that a majority of these issues stem from a lack of communication. Mostly on my part. As much as I would like to, I can’t expect my husband to read my mind and know what’s been going on for the past few days. I may have forgotten to mention that it’s Spirit Day at preschool, so how would he know what shirt my son was supposed to wear? And maybe if I posted the grocery list and our weekly mean plan, he would be better prepared to go to the store. It might also help him avoid my laser death stare of imperative doom when he returns.

Communication is essential.

So, how can we avoid The Bristle?? I’ve been trying a few new tricks to help out our family, and hopefully it will help you, too.

Prepare Yourself

Just like I prepare myself for my husband to leave, I need to prepare myself for when he comes home. I make a pile of mail that is important for him to look at on the counter, as well as any school flyers or announcements. It’s kind of like a “we need to discuss this stuff” pile that we go through when he comes back. I also write things down and take notes of things we need to talk about when he gets home. Sometimes it’s random, funny stuff, and sometimes it’s important stuff. Either way, it helps immensely.

Keep Him In-The-Know

I just found something so amazing, so awesome, and so remarkably simple that I can’t WAIT to share it with you!!! It’s an app called AnyList, and it’s a life saver! Basically, you make lists and share them with whoever you want. You can make a to-do list, a grocery list, a chore list, or even a sexy wish list (bam!). (By the way, I am in no way affiliated with or paid by this app, I just love it!)

Here’s a mini grocery list I sent my husband before he left for his trip. I love that you can cross things off as you go or just erase them! He can also make changes, and my phone gets a notification. Imagine the possibilities! This just opens up another way for us to communicate, I can’t say no to that. It’s been awesome so far!

The Most Exciting List in the History of Ever

Step Back and Let Go

This is my new mantra. I need to take a breath, and relax. Remind myself that it’s ok to ask for help, or even to need it. (Gasp!) It’s ok to let someone share the burden of the household responsibilities and kid stuff. And it’s ok to mess it up. You heard me. Now it’s in writing so I can’t go back. It’s ok to mess it up. I’m not perfect. And I shouldn’t expect that things are always going to be done perfectly, or the way I want them to. I married my husband for a reason; to share my life with. Ok, there might be a few more, but that’s a big one. So I need to be a better sharer. Step back, and let go.

Do you have any tips on avoiding The Bristle? I would love to hear them! Comment below and we can discuss!

Xoxo,

The Flight Wife

Miss Mila’s First Birthday Party! Pink & Gold Twinkle Twinkle Little Star Theme

March 17, 2015 by Flight Wife 30 Comments

I love throwing parties. Like, seriously l-o-v-e them. I love the planning, the prep, the crafting, all of it!! That’s why, from the second they told me at my ultrasound that I was having a girl, I was in blissful heaven. After four years of blues and greens and yellows and oranges and reds – I was finally ready for some pink!!! (And don’t get me wrong – I loved every second with my son. Boys are so fun in their own way! I went all out for his parties, too.)

I planned for months, scouring Pinterest for everything I could find. And I finally laid out my plan and set to work. The results were fantastic!! I loved her party, and even though she won’t remember it, she can look at the pictures and see what her crazy mama did just for her turning 1 year old. 🙂

What I made: The gold glitter frames (with help from a good friend), the Ball jar flower vases, the pink chocolate dipped Oreos, the star shaped Rice Krispies treats, the cupcakes, and the name letters. Not too bad!

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My sweet girl in her adorable custom outfit and necklace! We had so much fun at her party, and thanks to a glorious nap, she was happy the whole time. Are you as obsessed with parties as I am? One year old parties are where it’s at, I’m telling you.

Xoxo,

The Flight Wife

This One’s For You, Kid – A Letter To All The Pilot Kids Out There

March 16, 2015 by Flight Wife 7 Comments

My dearest pilot child,

I am writing this to let you know that I hear you. I hear the beat of your heart when it quickens as your ears perk up at the familiar sounds of leaving. The suitcase wheels’ little squeaks as they roll, the tapping of shoes against the floor, the jingling of keys and the other hurried noises of needing to leave on time.

I hear the disappointment in your voice as you say goodbye – again. But you put on such a brave face, little one. Sometimes you run outside to watch the car leave, sometimes you run to the window to wave, and sometimes you don’t get up from the couch because you don’t feel like it today. And that’s ok. Sometimes I get tired of saying goodbye, too.

And I hear the silence as we switch gears into us without Daddy for a few days. It takes a little while, every time, before we find our groove. But we find it.

I also hear the excitement in your voice when you ask me who I’m talking to on the phone and I hand it to you. Sometimes you have a lot to say, and sometimes I think you just want to hear a familiar voice because it’s calming.

I hear you ask me daily when Daddy is coming back, and I remind you every day how many days are left. We don’t dwell on it, you and I, because we are busy with our day and with our routine. But it’s always there in the back of our minds.

And I hear you when you ask if you can sleep with me that you’re not really asking because you’re scared – you’re asking because it makes you feel less alone and more secure. And so I scoot over and let you under the covers because child independence be damned, if I can make you feel less alone you can bet I will. You make me feel less alone, too.

I want you to know that your daddy never stops thinking about you. Never. When he finishes a long day of flying and he’s going to sleep in a strange bed in some hotel, he’s wishing he could be tucking you in and reading your favorite story instead. I can promise you that when he’s flying an airplane and helping all those people get to where they’re going, he’s wondering how your day at school is going and if you’re safe. He misses your voice, and your hugs, and mostly your laugh. Every time he goes on a trip he can’t wait to come back home and see you again.

I want you to know about the people he is flying in that airplane. Because you don’t get to see them – but some of them are mommies and daddies too, and they are going home to see their kids again, or sometimes they are leaving their kids. Sometimes they are kids whose mommies and daddies live far away from each other; but you know who is helping them get there? That’s right, that’s your daddy. Some of those passengers are going to visit their families, and some of them are going to work, and some of them are going on vacation. But none of them could get to where they’re going without your daddy flying the plane. He is so important to his job, and he is very good at it. But you need to know that it’s not the most important thing to him – as much as he loves his job, he loves you even more.

I hear the laughter and excitement that bubbles over when you know that Daddy is coming home. And I can’t pretend I don’t love your squeals of joy when he walks through the door and picks you up, first thing. I hear the importance of all of us being together to you when you tell us that it’s family hug time and ask if we’re all eating dinner together that night. I know that sometimes you just need to hear “yes” to feel secure.

Not everyone gets to have their daddies around for days at a time when they are off. We always have so much fun when we’re all together, because we know that we need to take advantage of our family time with each other. And I know you love when he takes you to school, and goes to your holiday parties, and takes you to swim lessons. He’s one of the few daddies who is there. When he’s home, he loves doing those things with you. Even I don’t get to go to some of your school activities because of my work. But if Daddy is home, he is always there.

I want you to know how hard we try to make things as normal as we can. I know you like to keep track of our schedule so that you know what to expect. And I can tell you that we will always do our very best for our family, because it is the most important thing to us. Sometimes we worry about how this will all affect you, and if we’re doing it right. We worry about spending enough time with you, and whether the lessons we are trying to teach you will stick. We worry all the time that we are messing it up and making mistakes and doing it wrong. We feel guilty that it’s not enough, that we are not enough. But we will never stop trying to do the right thing. You are so very loved, and that is true no matter where Daddy is.

I want you to know that we are always listening. We will always be here to listen to you. We know that it’s not easy having a daddy who leaves sometimes, but you know what? He always comes back again. And he is so excited to see you.

Our life and our schedule may not seem normal, but it’s our normal. Thank you for being so brave, and for hanging in there right alongside us. We are in this together.

Always.

Love,

The Flight Wife